


Pour Over Me

by OMGitsgreen



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ballroom Dancing, Complete, Drow Culture, Explicit Sexual Content in chapter 3, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Sexual Content is tagged in notes of chapter 3 if you would like to skip it!, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Worldbuilding, den politics, hot wizard hanky panky, though it'll end up resolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22231903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OMGitsgreen/pseuds/OMGitsgreen
Summary: "If you wouldn't mind?" Essek asked, offering his hand. Caleb took it after a single moment's hesitation. Without his levitation spell, Caleb was a few inches taller than him. Essek had to look up to meet his gaze, and the way it felt to see his blue eyes glinting at this angle from the lantern-light pulled at something low and deep inside of him. "I'll lead this time, and then next time I'll follow."At the request of the Bright Queen, the Mighty Nein are invited to the Illumination Ball. Essek, of course, is the one tasked with preparing them for such a momentous occasion. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know what he is getting himself into. *COMPLETE*
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 116
Kudos: 814





	1. Cabeceo

**Author's Note:**

> All of the props for this idea goes to the Essek Fanclub Server, where it was discussed that drow TANGO. Which, obviously, of course, leads to me writing a fic where Essek prepares the Mighty Nein for a formal ball. With all of the political intrigue and yearning that comes with that. I know about nothing about the tango, so, just bear with me lol. 
> 
> Also Essek isn’t a traitor. I know that because I love him. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Skysybil,” the Bright Queen called. Essek watched the ancient goblin hobble forward, her large knotted cane tapping in front of her. As always, she appeared tiny in the massive space of the Queen’s Cathedral. She was made somehow smaller by the pulsing light of the beacon. But part of that was most likely by the Bright Queen’s prudent design. If she were not larger than life, what would she be? 

“Yes, my Queen?” 

“Tell me, how do the preparations for the Day of Radiance fair?” the Bright Queen asked thoughtfully. 

"The Clerics of the Luxon have prepared for the Mass and have readied the necessary components to temporarily take down the night, and release the light," Skysybil reported. "The Guilds have, as always, been preparing for the Parade of Lanterns. In terms of the Illumination Ball, the staff of the palace continue their work on schedule. The ballroom itself is almost complete." 

"Good. Essek?" 

"Yes, my Queen?" Essek asked stepping forward from his place and bowing his head in deference to her. 

"Have the Mighty Nein invited to the Illumination Ball. I will place them on the list and have formal invitations drawn up, though I will entrust you to deliver them." 

"Of course, your majesty," Essek said with a nod. "Should they be in need of any formal wear, shall I leave it to them, or should I place it in Royal or Theylss accounts?" 

"Oh, please do supervise those choices and I'll have my finance advisor speak with you on it and give you a budget. I shall not have heroes of the Dynasty appearing in my ballroom in leather halters...again."

There was a rumble of chuckles, and Essek was about to step back into his shadows when another voice rose up from the crowd of courtiers and nobility. 

"We will be inviting the Mighty Nein to the Illumination Ball?" 

One of the other courtiers, an old stuffy fellow from Den Dwendalios asked the question. Escar was his name. A slippery individual, one of the types that Essek felt was best compared to a snake slipping through the cracks of a garden gate. He didn’t know why he was even one of the Bright Queen’s courtiers, though, Essek was sure the other courtiers would have something to say if he was uninvited to meetings. The other nobility liked him for the same reason they liked war, he kept them rich and comfortable. 

"They were instrumental to the returning of our beacon, so we could have a more glorious Day of Radiance," the Bright Queen said, eyeing Escar with a certain displeasure that even Essek felt. The courtier bowed even deeper if it were possible. 

"I meant no disrespect, your majesty. Only that they will not know our customs or our dances. Surely they would feel more comfortable at the festivities with the rest of the city," Escar said, steepling his fingers sounding oh so understanding and so very accommodating. What a joke, Essek thought. 

"They may of course decline the invitation," the Bright Queen said, though of course everyone knew you did not decline an invitation from their queen. "But I believe that it is important to invite them." 

"As my Queen commands, I shall see them fully prepared for the Ball," Essek promised, cutting in to conversation boldly. He leveled a smile at Escar that flashed his teeth. Escar's shoulders tensed, and he refused to look towards Essek. The Bright Queen’s lips quirked up in a small smile. 

"I shall leave the issue in your capable hands," the Bright Queen said, acknowledging Essek once more. 

"Thank you, your majesty," Essek said, and then returned to his spot at her side. 

The rest of the meeting unfolded in a similar fashion as usual. Essek already had been briefed on most of the information but it was always good for a refresher. Movements of the Echo Knights and war efforts lost in the jumble of excited preparation for the Illumination Ball. If people weren't itching to fight a war, they were itching to party. He supposed the urge to gallivant about in pretty evening attire and show off was universal, even he wasn't immune to it. He had ordered his own clothing and knew shoes two months ago. 

How the Mighty Nein would respond to it? Essek had no idea. Interacting with them was often like interacting with a barrel of black powder with a candle in your hand and an oil lamp spilled on the floor. You never knew what would be the thing to set them off. 

The thought was on his mind as he was caught by a troop of marauding courtiers after the meeting. Escar was leading the bunch, a characteristic scowl upon his face. They all stopped as he did, like a flock of perturbed birds awaiting the nearest excuse to take off into flight. Essek would usually ignore them, but seeing as they appeared bound and determined to talk with them he seemed to have little choice on the matter. As such, he remained floating and ready to make a hasty escape if he needed to. 

"Lord Shadowhand," Escar said, voice dripping with saccharin concern. "We cannot be seriously considering allowing a band of mercenaries to join us on such a momentous occasion?" 

"Our Queen is the one who has decided. I know that you are not questioning her judgement," Essek asked, eyebrow raised, looking down at him from where he floated. 

"Many of us are concerned that...personal attachments are getting in the way of clear-headed decision making," Escar said with his conniving sneer, motioning to the six or so nobles behind him.. "You are powerful and talented, but also young Shadowhand. It would be best for you not to take on more than you can handle." 

"Thank you kindly for your consideration," Essek said with his best smile. "But I shall endeavor to do all my Queen commands me, for if she believed I am up to the challenge then certainly I am. That is why she chose me over your daughter, after all." 

Escar's face when a delightful shade of maroon, his ears perked up at the challenge like an angry moorbounder sensing a challenge. 

"You…!" 

"Essek," Essek heard his Denmother call to him. The nobility froze. Escar’s face drained of the extraordinary color of his anger as he saw Lady Theylss in all of her glory. All of them bowed to her, and she smiled pleasantly. Among all of the courtiers in the Bright Queen's court, his denmother was the most respected and the most feared of them all, for very good reason. Essek, seeing an out when it was offered, smiled back at her. 

"Forgive me, gentleman, I will have to take my leave," Essek said, bowing his head and then floating off to meet his Denmother. He offered his arm to her, and she took it. Even floating, she was still a whisper taller than he was.

"I believe I am owed some gratitude," his Denmother said, giving the group of courtiers a lovely smile before they began to walk the round about the courtyard. It was busy with activity, servants carrying plates or decorations. Maids quickly ducking into rooms to clean for the guests who would be staying within the boundaries of the castle. This sort of event was a giant ordeal for everyone involved, unfortunately. Even though he would get to reap the benefits. Nights like the Illumination Ball were always important for his shadows, after all. 

"Thank you, Mother," Essek said. "You did truly save me back there." 

"Hardly worth your time," his Denmother stated flippantly, watching servants who immediately paused in their work to bow or curtsy before her. Essek resisted the urge to roll his eyes. 

"Of that I'm not so sure," Essek sighed unable to help the tiredness that crept into his voice. He realized his mistake a moment too late. 

"You are sure," his Denmother said, voice cold, her fingers like cold iron upon his arm. "You have no room to be anything else. You are a Theylss, and a Theylss never bows to anyone. It would do you well to remember that simple lesson." 

"Yes, of course," Essek said automatically, looking forward with his chin high. Because she was right of course. He was Essek Theylss and whoever Essek was had to be perfect. There was no room for error. He would accomplish everything because of course he was good enough to. He had to. He had no other choice. 

"And you will of course show those no good upstarts what you are capable of," she stated, patting his arm in the charade of warmth, breaking into his thoughts as if she had placed them there. "If you need assistance I can always request your sister to come and help you."

Her tone was so sweet and cloying he was almost surprised her teeth didn't rot from her head. If you can't do it, we'll find someone who can, was the words carried beneath her sigh. If you aren't capable of doing this, you are worthless to me, is what she didn't say but Essek heard echoing in his ears. It had scared him, when he was young. But now, it was simply an inevitability. He would prove his worth. He always had, and he always would. To keep his place, he had no other choice. And besides, his pride wouldn't allow for anything else. 

"As always, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. But I believe it will be wholly unnecessary, I am capable of such a small task." 

"Very well," she said simply, putting the issue to rest. 

Essek, unfortunately, wasn't so sure.

* * *

Arriving at the Xhorhaus was an exercise in caution most days. Essek simply never knew what to expect when he arrived at their front doorstep. However, he wasn't expecting to nearly get run over by Fjord and Jester tumbling out of the door and spilling onto the cobblestone road. Essek stepped out of the way just in time, and flashed an apologetic look to the neighbors. As soon as they saw the chaos, the family quickly disappeared inside their home. 

"Essek!" Jester gasped, sounding oh so delighted to see him. She waved her arms flailing about a green slime like substance. "We made sliiiiiime!" 

"And Nott got it all over me!" Fjord grumbled indignantly, picking at his shirt unhappily. "This is almost as bad as the centipolt!"

"What is a centipolt?" Essek asked curiously. 

"A thing that shoot centipedes real far," Jester said in her sing-songy tone, miming the action like a slingshot. "A kobold we knew invented it!" 

"Did we really know him if he died thirty minutes later?" Fjord asked pensively. 

"We met him in his prime!" 

"Sure," Fjord said, not sounding convinced. He shook that off quickly. "Anyways, what are you doing here Essek? I'm assuming you aren't here for slime?" 

"That I am not," Essek said, waving his hands in the somatic gesture of prestidigitation. With both Fjord and Jester now unslimed, he folded his hands before him. "I am here to discuss something of equal importance however. If you are all here, I would like a bit of your time." 

"Of course!" Jester trilled, before she opened the door. Essek followed them both inside. 

The house itself was a bit of a chaotic mess. But more in the way of how a place felt after coming back from a trip. Things were stacked haphazardly, hanging from any corner, half opened satchels were on the floor as well as a few splotches of the aforementioned slime. This was of course punctuated by the chiming of the bells by the door in a loud clanging noise. But it seemed more lived in every time he came to the home, and that filled him with a strange emotion that he couldn’t name. 

"Essek is here!" Fjord called. 

"Hello!" Caduceus said in his usual deep congenial voice. He was sitting next to Yasha with a mug in hand, who was flipping through a book. Though she didn't smile, her expression softened. Neither of them were slimed as it were, but looked oddly at ease despite the chaos around. 

"Essek is here?" Beau asked, popping her head in from a different room. Currently she was toweling her hair, probably recovering from the slime incident. “Hey Essek. Caleb, Nott, get your asses up here!” 

Nott and Caleb appeared next. Nott seemed generally unhappy as she batted her wet hair away with clawed fingers. Caleb on the other hand looked refreshed, a warm. His skin having taken on an attractive pink hue from the heat of their bath, his hair a darker shade. Essek forced himself to tear his gaze away from the curve of his neck, the way a stray droplet of water traced its way to his collarbone. He certainly did not think of how his skin would smell, or how wonderful it would be to brush his fingers through his hair. 

“Good day,” Essek said with a nod of his head. In the pocket of his sleeve he produced the invitations and held them out to Jester, who was closest to him. With a certain level of flare and a twirl she distributed them to the Nein before cooing over her own. “I will not take too much of your time. I am here today to officially invite you all to the Illumination Ball, which will take place during the Day of Radiance two weeks and three days from now.” 

“A ball?” Jester asked, delighted. She grabbed Caleb by the hands and began to spin with him before skipping one or two steps. “With dancing and socializing and pretty dresses!”

“Yes, that’s usually what a ball means,” Caleb said, with an endeared smile as he shook his head as if to relieve his dizziness. The motion was endearing in general, just as how almost everything he did was endearing. Or unfairly attractive. But it didn’t affect Essek obviously. 

“That sounds so nice,” Caduceus hummed. 

“Is there fighting at these kinds of events?” Yasha asked, and though Essek might have thought she was being sarcastic, her quiet inquisitive tone showed otherwise. 

“No, but there’ll probably be fucking,” Nott pointed out. 

“What the fuck?” Fjord asked, looking flustered. 

“People dress up nicely to show off and get laid, duh!” 

“All that aside why the fuck would they invite us to a fancy ball?” Beauregard asked, squinting at the invitation like it may bite her. 

“As heroes of the Dynasty, and who returned the beacon that we celebrate on this day, the Bright Queen has personally requested your presence,” Essek explained, clasping his hands behind him. “I have also been tasked with ensuring your preparation for this event, in terms of clothing and etiquette.” 

“Wait, first, what’s the Day of Radiance?” Caduceus asked curiously. 

“I believe I mentioned before that on occasion, the sun is allowed to shine in Rosohna? The Day of Radiance is a religious festival that marks one such occasion,” Essek explained. “It is an extremely festive time for us, there is a parade and general frivolity in the streets during the daylight. The Cathedral of the Bright Queen hosts the Illumination Ball after sunset.” 

“That sounds wonderful,” Caduceus said. 

“What etiquette would we have to acquire for this event?” Caleb asked worriedly. 

“Everyone who attends the Illumination Ball is expected to participate in the opening dance and the feast,” Essek said. “Though I am unsure of if any among you have had formal dance training?” 

“I have! My Mama had tutors teach me,” Jester said, raising her hand excitedly. 

“I have also had some dance training...though it was a long time ago,” Caleb admitted, and Essek filed that piece of information away for later. It would benefit spies to be able to assimilate into events with nobility. He would have to have a shadow of his look up more information on this. 

“Caleb and I danced a waltz once!” Jester said excitedly. “He was really drunk, but he was good at it!” 

“I am unfamiliar with that kind of dance,” Essek said, his intellectual curiosity getting the better of him. “Is it from the Empire?” 

“Yes,” Caleb answered. “It’s an old Zemnian form of dance.” 

“Well, do keep in mind that it may be different then our dancing. You all will only have to learn the steps of the opening dance, after all. Besides that, a rush order has already been placed with the palace tailor. You will all have to go and get measured.” 

“That’s awfully generous of you,” Fjord noted. 

“Her Majesty simply wishes for you to join in the celebration, She shall take care of everything else,” Essek said with his usual placid smile. 

“Wait...are you going to be teaching us the opening dance?” Caduceus asked. 

“That was what Her Majesty intended.” 

“This will be so fun!” Jester said, nearly hopping with excitement. 

Or a disaster, Essek thought but didn’t say. 

The day after the invitations were delivered were full of activity. The Mighty Nein went to the court tailor and by that he meant they tortured the court tailor in the way that only the Mighty Nein knew how. By the end of the appointment when he went to collect them, his room had been rearranged, some important spools of thread stolen, and the tailor had been in tears. He had told Essek, with tears in his eyes, how he brave he was to deal with them. Essek hadn’t asked what had happened. Though at some point he would be certain to. Not that he was really sure he wanted to know the answer to his questions. 

The Mighty Nein had all appeared in the Cathedral of the Bright Queen at the appointed time. The servants had taken a break for this hour, giving them enough space in the ballroom to practice with so many people. Essek was thankful to the Luxon for the privacy...since he had know idea what he would be working with. And considering the sometimes utterly chaotic actions the Mighty Nein took, it was probably better that he took on the risk alone. 

“In the tango there are two distinct parts, the leader and the follower. It is extremely important that though the follower may feel the urge to step into the lead, that they allow the leader to fulfill their role,” Essek explained, unhooking his mantle from his shoulders. He was startled when Nott screamed as he settled it off on a chair. "What?"

"You took off your clothes!" Nott screeched. 

"I'm still wearing clothes," Essek said deadpanned, motioning to his high-neck slate-grey tunic and black pants. In fact he had taken care to choose clothing that would preserve his sense of modesty. Essek didn’t like showing skin for a variety of reasons. There was nothing wrong with showing skin, of course. If anything he knew he was handsome and desirable and he could use his good looks to his advantage, and he had done so in his youth. But Essek also knew better than most that the roles one played were often helped by one’s appearance. If he appeared untouchable, then he was untouchable. It was as easy as that. 

"I thought the mantle was like a part of your skin, or that you had really big shoulders," Nott admitted before suddenly pivoting to look at him again. "But wait! Aren't you shorter than usual?" 

"Using my levitation magic would defeat the purpose of this exercise," Essek explained, pulling his gloves more firmly on. "Now? If you don't mind?"

Nott continued to look at him suspiciously as he took his spot in the center of the room. He resisted the urge to sigh or chafe under the sensation of everyone staring at him, but especially Caleb. He could nearly feel his eyes digging into the back of his neck, causing his skin to tingle in a somewhat unpleasant manner. He was so self aware at that moment that he wished he could disappear into the shadows, back under his mantle, anywhere but out in the open feeling so exposed. But there were things more important than his dignity, the Bright Queen's orders being one of them. 

"I will teach you all the leading and following steps to the dance. In total there are eight steps…" 

Essek took them all through the steps multiple times. To his surprise, Beau and Nott both caught on to the rhythm quickly, as did Caleb who obviously did have some dancing training under his belt. Jester, though she got the steps, seemed determined to add extra spins any place she could. Fjord was as stiff as a board, despite Beau attempting to help him. Caduceus would get the steps and then trip over his long legs, where as Yasha seemingly had no sense of rhythm but was happy to follow along with Jester in extra spins. 

"Very good," Essek said, noting this was probably the best they would do for today and endeavoring to keep going. "I believe it's time to partner up. I will demonstrate first, if someone is--"

Suddenly Beau gave Caleb's back a hard whack and forced him forward. Caleb began to cough, and looked back at Beau with an inscrutable expression. After a moment he raised his hand sheepishly. The rest of the Mighty Nein shared a look Essek didn't understand. 

"If you wouldn't mind?" Essek asked, offering his hand. Caleb took it after a single moment's hesitation. Without his levitation spell, Caleb was a few inches taller than him. Essek had to look up to meet his gaze, and the way it felt to see his blue eyes glinting at this angle from the lantern-light pulled at something low and deep inside of him. "I'll lead this time, and then next time I'll follow." 

"Ja--yes," Caleb stuttered, his fingers curled upon his hand. Even through his glove, Essek could feel the warmth branding him, making him light headed. But he wasn't affected, he told himself firmly. Obviously. This was just a dance, a formality, nothing more or less. 

"Very well," Essek said, schooling his tone into something polite and calm and acceptable. "First, place your other hand on the back of my shoulder. My hand is going to go on the small of your back."

Caleb nodded a tiny jerky nod. And then Essek placed his hand upon the small of Caleb's back, leaning him back, pressing them chest to chest, Essek’s face finding the hollow of his neck and a breath’s space from his cheek. Immediately Caleb's face went a delicious shade of red, and Essek watched it crawl from his cheeks to the tips of his ears and down his neck. He wondered if all humans had such a delightful and attractive affliction. 

"You're close," Caleb gasped, sounding like he was choking on his own tongue. 

"Of course, this is the proper position," Essek explained, grateful for all of his years of court training, his Denmother's critical glares, and the Bright Queen's company because he didn't tremble. He didn't stutter or tremble. All of this was in spite of the fact that the only thing he desired was to feel Caleb's body poured over him like this for the rest of eternity. He was so warm that he could feel it beneath all of his layers, in fact, they may as well have been chest to chest...skin to skin. And that line of thought was just enough to make Essek dizzy, to wish he could lean forward and kiss--

"Is this meant to be a sexy dance?" Jester asked, sounding delighted. It broke Essek out of his strange revelry. 

"If by sexy you mean passionate and elegant, then yes," Essek said. Essek caught Caleb's gaze, felt his composure falter for a moment because had he always looked so lovely in the light? With the way loose strands of hair framed his face? It truly wasn’t fair. But no...no. He was in control. "Let us begin then." 

Essek took them through the first round of steps, but where Caleb before had been precise and had been doing well with the rhythm and the sway of the slow-slow-quick-quick-slow. However, now it was as if Essek was dancing with a creature made of iron. In fact, he could almost feel Caleb creaking in his arms with the tension. Was it so uncomfortable to dance with him? Essek thought. Or...perhaps? But no, he couldn’t think such traitorous thoughts. Not when Caleb was in his arms. 

He had the others pair up after first demonstrating the lead. Nott and Jester did a rather impressively exuberant performance, ending with a flourish of Jester nearly jettisoning Nott up and catching her as they both laughed maniacally. Fjord and Beau both snickered as the danced, before Fjord haphazardly flung Beau into Yasha’s arms. Immediately both women flushed, and began doing the most innocent and haltingly sweet tango Essek had ever witnessed. Fjord and Caduceus finished the pairings, Fjord doing his best to help correct Caduceus’ steps, while Caduceus smiled warmly at Fjord.

Essek however, after a short break, took up dancing with Caleb yet again. This time though, with the others in the Mighty Nein busy, he felt oddly assured of himself. He squeezed Caleb’s hand to catch his attention as they continued their dance. 

“Would it make you more comfortable to switch? I shall follow and you can lead?”

“Um...uh, ja, whatever you would like,” Caleb said, before Essek moved his arm to his lower back. Essek arched it, and pressed close, because this was what you did when you tangoed and for no other selfish reason. He was rewarded with an intake of breath that felt like a victory. 

“I don’t bite,” Essek told him as they quick turned. “Relax, Widogast.” 

“I just...this is very different than the kind of dancing I am used to,” Caleb admitted with a shy smile, and to his credit Essek could feel him attempt to unwind some of his tension. “Much more...intimate?” 

“Isn’t that what dancing is supposed to be?” Essek asked, face close enough that they could share these secrets and he could smell wood-fire on Caleb’s skin. If he just tipped his head up so slightly…

He waited for the pause in the dragging of Caleb’s leg, before with a flourish he brushed his leg up against Caleb’s. 

“Surely those of the Empire must know that,” Essek said, his heels clicking back into place. “Otherwise it simply can’t compare.” 

“No, it can’t,” Caleb said, voice low and hushed and for the first time, he led them into a turn that felt natural and confident. 

Essek had the acute feeling he wasn’t talking about dancing.

* * *

Essek was nearly tingling with the touch throughout the rest of his day. Through the daily report meetings, and his assignments with the Shadows, and even in his personal daily audience with the Bright Queen herself. It hadn’t gone away by the time he returned to his home. But when he walked to his front door, he immediately knew that something was different and it chilled that wonderful-lovely feeling and stilled it beneath his skin. The windows were just too bright, there was the shadow of too much activity. Gritting his teeth, he opened the door, his hand up and prepared to cast. 

His servant Amald immediately rushed to the door looking breathless and harried as he managed to stutter out, “my lord, good evening!” 

“What is happening?” Essek demanded, turning the corner to his living room. He immediately saw her. The snow-white-skinned tiefling continued to lie down upon his chaise, dressed in a violet velvet gown that clung to everything, her fur stole arranged over her shoulders. Upon his table there were two wine glasses, a lit candle, and an opened bottle of his wine chilling in ice. 

“Essek, my dearest, don’t look so dour,” she said, holding out her hand. One of his other servants, Hadise quickly placed a tray of refreshments down, giving Essek a desperate look before quickly scurrying back with Amald. “Finally! Come, say hello to your favorite sister. I hope you don’t mind that I broke into your good vintages.” 

“ _Adore_ ,” Essek sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Haven’t you anything better to do than to torture my servants and burst into my house without invitation?” 

“You are too lenient on them,” Adore said sitting up, tapping claws against the wine glass as she set it down. “Besides, is this how you treat me? I came all this way to see you.” 

“You came here to attend the Illumination Ball,” Essek scoffed before looking around. “Where’s your husband?” 

“Oh, he’s sleeping off the trip at home,” Adore said, standing up. She inspected the mantle of the fireplace, admired his crystal roses and spun his preserved world globe. “I wanted to see you, and this was the only time I could think to catch you. When these kinds of events come up, you are normally holed up somewhere. Remember when Uralin had to go and collect you for your own personal address before the counsel?” 

“How could I forget,” Essek said coldly. “He broke my favorite writing desk.” 

“Our eldest brother forgets his own strength,” Adore laughed breezily, as she paused before the mirror and inspected her appearance. Her white-gold hair was pulled back into a slick chignon that was meant to emphasize her decorated horns, there wasn’t a hair out of place though she appeared to brush at it. “He was relatively new to the minotaur body at that point. But that’s besides the point, can you imagine my surprise when I heard that not only are you not hiding in some musty dusty corner somewhere, but that you actively preparing the Heroes of the Dynasty for the event? I just had to know more.” 

“What is there to know? I’m sure you have coaxed the words out of every passerby since coming to the capitol.” 

“I do sing a very convincing song,” she said with a coquettish grin. “Don’t I, Essek?” 

“I wouldn’t know,” Essek pointed out coldly. 

“Yes, yes. Immune to my charms, I know. You have your _particular_ tastes.” 

“Tell me, really, what are you here for?” Essek asked her as he sat down. He filled his own glass with his wine, swirling it carefully. “We both know that these niceties do not suit you, and I assume you are not here to interrogate me about my sex life.”

“I think most would say the contrary for a variety of reasons, though, niceties are what you do best,” Adore pointed out, taking her seat and leaning against her hand as her elbow balanced upon the armrest. “And though your sex life is very interesting I am sure, I won’t lie to you and say I am here for that. Mother told me to keep my eye on you. She is afraid that you are losing your edge.” 

“I promise you that no such thing has occurred,” Essek said with his most pleasant and agreeable smile. “Mother simply worries about me too much. Please, let her know that her concern is appreciated but unnecessary.” 

“I am sure it is,” Adore said with a sip, looking as if they were both sharing a private inside joke. “We both know very well that Mother usually frets over nothing. She has always had a soft spot for you, ever since you and your father were brought into our family. I have complete and utter faith in your abilities, Essek. I know that you are perfectly capable of separating personal feelings from your work.” 

“Of course,” Essek said, unaffected by her usual jabs. 

“Then you also won’t mind that Mother requested that I assist you, and that I intend to do that.” 

Essek felt his fingers twitch and tighten their grip upon his glass. 

“Though I appreciate the thought, it is wholly unnecessary as I told Mother. I am sure that you have plenty you wish to do while in the city--” 

“Oh I do, but I am also the head of the Musedel College of the Bardic Arts, if I didn’t assist you, what would that say about me? Besides, I also wish to meet this fabled Mighty Nein that you seem so determined to hog to yourself,” Adore asked with the mockery of a playful smile, placing down her empty glass. Essek stood quickly, wincing at the pain in his back as he did. Amald quickly came into the room with her coat. She put it on, before looking back at Essek with a challenge in her golden eyes. “I shall have one of my servants come to gather the details in the morning. Unless there is a problem?”

“No problem, I am thankful for your thoughtfulness,” Essek said, as she leaned close to him and studied his expression. She smoothed his cloak, in a mockery of gentle concern. 

“Are you worried, perhaps? Don’t worry, Essek. I won’t steal any of your toys from you,” she promised with an indulgent smirk. “Unless they look particularly delicious, that is. I know you won’t mind.” 

“I am sure they will appreciate the expert touch you will bring to their education,” Essek said, his smile tasting sour upon his face. “Goodnight, sister.” 

With a click of her heels, the swish of her skirt, and the scent of jasmine she left his house. Essek stood there, gritting his teeth, trying to contain the wash of frustration that crashed into him like a wave. After a few moments of breathing, he managed to get it all under control. 

“Lord of Light give me strength,” Essek prayed, looking up at the ceiling, before blowing out the candle.


	2. Cortado

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you wouldn't mind?" Essek asked, offering his hand. Caleb took it after a single moment's hesitation. Without his levitation spell, Caleb was a few inches taller than him. Essek had to look up to meet his gaze, and the way it felt to see his blue eyes glinting at this angle from the lantern-light pulled at something low and deep inside of him. "I'll lead this time, and then next time I'll follow."
> 
> At the request of the Bright Queen, the Mighty Nein are invited to the Illumination Ball. Essek, of course, is the one tasked with preparing them for such a momentous occasion. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know what he is getting himself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have gotten this done...and I realized that I would need to split the actual chapter into two. So next chapter will be the last chapter! As always, I'd like to thank the Essek server! You guys rock. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> **Edit note 2/16, changed High General to Dusk Captain to reflect the word of god lol

Essek stood in the ballroom, as the Mighty Nein filtered in joking and laughing as usual. He thought his mask was meticulous as always---his smile so practiced that it was a natural feature of his face like the two moons in the sky. But Caduceus immediately frowned at the sight of him, and Jester cast him a worried furrowed look. 

“Is everything alright, Mr. Essek?” Caduceus asked, the concern in his voice tugging at some of the heartstrings that Essek couldn’t believe he still had. He had sworn he had cut them all a while ago, and yet, somehow he was still in this situation. 

“Yes, of course,” Essek said breezily, clasping his fingers in front of him. “A second tutor has been provided to aid me in your instruction. We shall wait for her before beginning today, she should be here momentarily." 

“Are they...someone we need to take care of?” Beauregard asked him, her voice low and eyes narrowed. “Do we need to fuck someone up? Is that something we have to do at the ball?” 

“No, it is not required nor is that a function of the ceremony,” Essek assured her. “She--”

“Essek!” 

At that moment, Adore made her appearance. Essek wished beyond all wishes that he could push her out an open window. If he weren’t so annoyed, he would have been impressed. She was all red draped silk, cinched waist, and a slit that was very nearly scandalous...the exact kind of thing that suited her best and it made Essek want to strangle her. She ran her fingers through her fur, before pulling it off in a perfectly calculated motion that was meant to reveal with golden-shimmer of her pale white shoulders. Her tail swayed, like a too pleased predator about to pounce on her prey. 

“Introduce me, Essek,” Adore demanded, voice lush and like the whisper of desire tossing her furs at a neighboring servant who looked dazed and confused. 

“Mighty Nein,” Essek said, perfectly pleasant. “Lady Adore Theylss.” 

“Essek’s elder sister,” Adore added, holding out her hand. “It is truly a pleasure to meet all of you. I have heard so much about you, despite my little brother’s penchant for secrets.”

“My name is Fjord, it’s a pleasure,” Fjord introduced, taking her hand and kissing it. Adore looked at him through her heavy golden lashes. 

“Caduceus Clay,” Caduceus said, introduction pleasant but reserved. He didn’t move to take her hand, but he smiled. 

“I’m Jester!” She introduced with an excited wave. 

“Nott,” Nott said, uncharacteristically morose and with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She looked like she itched to pull her crossbow, and Essek couldn’t blame her. 

“Yasha,” said the barbarian, softly, inspecting Adore as if she were a strange rare being that was meant to be approached with caution. 

“I’m Beau,” Beau introduced brashly, pushing slightly in front of Caduceus, also kissing Adore’s hand. 

“Caleb Widogast,” he introduced, his blue eyes raking over Adore’s face quickly, with an expression that Essek couldn’t even begin to categorize. Thankfully, it wasn’t desire. Essek didn’t think he would be able to take that. Instead, it was a cool neutral mask. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you," Adore crooned. “To meet all of you. Fjord, would you mind giving me a hand for a moment--”

"Your sister is fucking hot," Beau hissed at Essek as Adore and Fjord walked to the side to move a table. "I'm sorry, is that weird? Did I say something weird because holy shit. Could she step on me?"

"Yes, it is weird," Essek said, resigned. 

"You are hotter," Jester tried to soothe, her stage whisper not subtle in any way and Essek prayed that Adore was too caught up with introducing herself further to Fjord that she wouldn't notice. "Like you are really really pretty Essek."

"And-everyone-thinks-so-right-Caleb?" Nott asked her words a jumble of syllables. Caleb looked up from petting Frumpkin with startled and wide eyes. 

"I--uh--" 

"I am afraid I am very used to this," Essek said, cutting him off. He didn't think he could bear to hear the answer either way. "Adore! Let us not dally any longer.” 

“Of course, of course,” Adore said as she clapped her hands together. “Now, I would like to see how far you’ve all progressed. Partner up please.” 

The Mighty Nein got in their usual pairs, except for Caleb, who looked at Essek expectantly. Essek opened his mouth--to say something, anything really when immediately Adore saw him. Essek’s hand remained frozen by his side. He was caught in her trap, and they both knew it. 

“Ah, I see there is one left over. Would you mind?” Adore asked Caleb, her expression a mask of politeness. But there was just the flick of her gaze to Essek, the smugness of that flash, and it made his guts churn violently. 

“Of course not,” Caleb said softly. 

“Very well then,” Adore said, taking his hand with her bare fingers delicately with a sort of ease that had Essek burning. Her body pressed against Caleb’s in ways Essek’s did not. Adore was a beautiful dancer, beyond graceful and refined. But she was daring too, in the way she arched and moved into Caleb like an unrepentant wave--

Stop it, Essek demanded of himself. Stop looking. This is what she wants. She wants you to be affected, to be angry. She wants you to act out irrationally so she can report back to Mother. This is the most obvious hand she could play and you are playing right into it, you are better than this petty game. 

But what if she was what he preferred? Though Essek was not attracted to female beauty and she was his sister above all else, Essek knew rationally that Adore was a beautiful woman. It didn’t take a genius to figure out how she so easily courted favor wherever she went. Her color made her rare and striking, her voice was warm and dripping with sublime elegance. Growing up, Essek had been drilled on manners, cut his teeth on High Undercommon, had to practice noble protocol and table manners and conversation. Adore had sailed through it all with relative ease, as if she had been born to rub shoulders and steal hearts. 

What if she was what Caleb wanted? The thought was there as Adore coached them into a dip. Their faces were close. Close enough to bite or to kiss. And he may want to kiss her. Perhaps Caleb didn't like men at all. He had been tense when they danced together after all. Essek had to have been projecting his own unruly...feelings (but not even feelings these had to just be urges or instincts) onto Caleb. He should have just been happy with being...companionable. Caleb had called him a friend, but--

“Very good, Mr. Widogast,” Adore said, her voice a purr. Her touch lingered upon upon his shoulder a moment too long, trailing down suggestively. “I can see my brother has not stinted on your education." 

I'm going to kill her, Essek thought decisively. 

"The Shadowhand is a patient and thorough teacher," Caleb said simply. Not pulling away, nor moving closer to Adore. His face was a neutral mask--not indifferent, but not the desperate sort of hunger Adore tended to inspire. Adore smiled at him, a slanting sort of half-smirk tossed in his direction. 

"I'm sure you need that, don't you?" Adore laughed airily. "A _thorough_ teacher, that is?" 

"Adore, I shall remind you not to ignore the other students. It isn't like you to pick favorites," Essek said with a smile that felt like scraping nails against his skin. 

"Ah, but of course," Adore hummed, and her gaze met Essek's. 

I see you, it said. I see you the same way I always have. You are Mother's pet, her little mutt she brought in off the streets with your wayward father, her possession. You are dispensable and we all know it. Disagree, I dare you. 

It made Essek want to crawl out of his own skin. 

They both took the Mighty Nein through the flourishes and quick turns. Adore took particular note to dance with Caleb, Beau, and Fjord. The three targets, Essek knew. The three she believed she could manipulate. He knew rationally that she would most likely be sorely disappointed, but the old fear was there and it was strong. Strong enough that when it was his turn to dance with Jester, she gave his hand a supportive squeeze.

"I don't think I like her," Jester grumbled as they danced together, eyes on the pair of Beau and Adore dancing. They cut a striking pair across the ballroom floor. 

"If I may tell you a secret?" Essek said, leaning in closer. "I don't either." 

"I can cut holes in her pants," Jester offered, with a mischievous smile. “If you want. Or I can send her scary messages! Beau doesn’t want me to do that with her dad but I could totally do it for you.” 

"If anything, she would like that," Essek promised. Jester humphed like she was the long suffering heroine of some tragedy. This was something Essek admired in her; her disarming charm was nearly a lethal weapon. He wondered what it was like...to be so universally adored. Was it easy for her? Essek wouldn’t know. He often felt like he was drowning when everyone else appeared fine. 

"She doesn't treat you kindly," Jester said, as her brows furrowed and lips pouting. "And that's like, super duper mean. If she's your family she ought to treat you better!" 

"We have a...complicated relationship," Essek explained. "And I'm afraid I've done enough to deserve it." 

"You are nice, Essek," Jester said as if it were the most obvious fact in the universe. “I don’t think you have done something to deserve someone being mean to you, unless you used to be a really bad guy. Were you a bad guy, did you do crimes Essek?” 

“As I’ve told you, I’m not very interesting,” Essek said with a shake of his head before adding an extra spin. Jester smiled widely and warmly as she giggled. Essek could see how easy it was for someone to fall in love with her. Jester was beautiful, soft and rounded. She exuded a sort of childlike innocence and a whole-hearted love that was easy to sink into. He wondered, perhaps, if this was what Caleb desired? An innocent and pure love, that tasted of melting sweets and was perfumed with lavender. This Essek could understand. 

Not yours, Essek thought as he looked at Caleb yet again. He was dancing with Nott now, smiling at her easily. Never yours. 

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Jester said, nearly pushing her lips to his ear, like a gentle sisterly kiss. “Caleb thinks you are nice too.” 

On that note they separated. Essek bowed, while Jester curtsied. Essek felt Caleb’s eyes on his neck, but didn’t turn around to look. There was only so much of this game he could take after all.

* * *

The table was set, filled with a dizzying array of food. The servants of the Theylss Den had to have been up all night preparing the feast. From roast fish to caviar-stuff mushrooms, the courses were brought out with all the pomp and circumstance that was befitting of the Den. There were Ladhinder snails with garlic butter and seasonal tubers and roasted squash on beautiful printed plates. Elegant soups with ingredients that were just in season. All of it had been prepared by a critical eye, and served on the best silverware and porcelain that the den was in possession of and was probably worth what the average citizen made in two years. His mother waved her hand, and a servant quickly worked to fill her plate as she watched from the rim of her wine glass with a disapproving glower. 

“Thank you,” Essek said to the servant girl as she placed his plate down. 

“Of course, Lord Shadowhand,” the servant girl said with a relieved smile. She curtsied before disappearing back into the kitchen. 

“You sweet on that one then, Essek?” Rylas asked him, eyebrow raised. As the Denfather, he was sitting beside Mother. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, as if deep in thought. 

“Of course he isn’t sweet on that one, Father,” Drari scoffed, the half-orc rolling his eyes. 

“I am merely thanking the servants,” Essek said, taking his napkin and spreading it upon his lap. 

“Why, so they can whisper to your little shadows?” Drari asked, stabbing a slab of meat with his fork. Probably imagining Essek’s face. Essek fought to remain polite and distant. . 

“Of course,” Essek said with a nod. "It always pays to make nice."

"You don't make nice," Drari scoffed, a vein jumping at his neck. 

"As far as I'm aware, your fiance kept their job, regardless of their ability to keep books from suddenly hemorrhaging coin--"

"In spite of you…!"

"Children," Mother said, voice cold and demanding. "Your bickering is giving me a headache. Adore, tell me, how did the lesson go?" 

Essek resisted the urge to grab something and tear it apart with his hands. Adore, however, preened as if she were being called to go on stage. 

"Very well, Mother. The heroes are so very interesting. Different than the tales, but I could spin a hundred songs from just one afternoon," Adore said with a dreamy sigh. "Especially about the pretty human wizard? What was his name? Mr. Widogast? Isn't that right, Essek?" 

Essek didn't validate her words with a response. Instead just looked ahead, ignoring the stares from every person at the table that he was receiving. The servants, ducked into the shadows, all looked at him with an understanding sadness that nearly soaked into the walls like a cold rain. He knew all of their names, and their families. And he was finding it easier to focus on them then on what was happening at the table. 

"Was he very pretty, my love?" Adore's husband, a dragonborn named Kan'el asked. He took her hand and kissed it, and she grinned conspiratorially at him. 

"Oh, very! Most of them were absolutely scrumptious. I can see why Essek tries to keep them to himself." 

Essek focused on his breath, on the sensation of his lungs and ribs expanding. Not on this. Not this--

"Tell me something, Essek," Adore demanded, eyes sliding over to him. "When you spread your legs like a common whore for that wizard, is he at least halfway decent? Or do you just let him rut into you like an animal?" 

"Stop it," Essek snarled, slamming his hands down on the table. "Say another word, I dare you." 

The table was deadly quiet for the span of a breath. The servants scurried into the kitchens and ducked into hallways, away from the oncoming storm. It was wise of them, no doubt. 

"Wait...no," Adore gasped clasping her hands together, studying his face with a growing expression of glee. "You haven't, have you? You haven't bedded him then? Oh, brother, that is hilarious. You'll have to do it soon, or he'll shrivel up." 

"My darling," Kan'el said chidingly, though obviously amused at her daring. "Don't be so crude." 

"But I am right! You are entirely too tightly wound, Essek," Adore said, waving her glittering hand and claws at him. "Just fuck the man and work out whatever feelings you think you have festering like some open wound. It's so obvious, Essek, your bleeding heart is spilling out all over the floor. I know it pains you to have to pretend to be a person, but please, for all of our sakes just--"

"Adore," their Mother said, stopping her tirade. Essek glared at Adore, his teeth aching from how hard he was clenching them. "As crudely as Adore put it, she does have a point Essek."

"She has no point. I've never--" 

"Essek, allow us to be serious for a second," Mother said, setting down her fork with a click. If there had been air in the dining room, it all escaped now. "Nothing about your personal connection to them will benefit you in the long run."

"They are heroes of the Dynasty." 

"They are mercenaries. Traitors to one nation, and perhaps they will become traitors to ours. You will be attached to them, and it will bring you down. Think rationally," Mother demanded before sighing. "Of that you are capable, I know you are, unlike your fool brothers and sisters." 

"Mother!" Adore snapped, white-skin growing brighter. Drari looked murderously at her. 

"Oh be quiet," Mother commanded. Adore mouth clicked close. "Essek, my dearest. Be reasonable." 

“Being reasonable means something very different for you than for me,” Essek pointed out. 

“Does it?” Mother asked him. "Allow me to give you this piece of advice, Essek. The greatest skill that one learns in thousands of years? Restraint." 

“Oh? Is it?” Essek asked her, a jagged sarcastic edge to his voice. 

“Self-control, to be measured and to moderate your behavior to suit the situation,” Mother said, her eyes flashing. “Right now this is the area you are sorely lacking in. You are indulging yourself in ridiculous urges. You are my brightest child, and I shall not have you squander your potential--” 

“As if you are one to chastise me about restraint,” Essek scoffed, interrupting her. He stood up. “Everything I have done, my whole life, is try to keep everything under control and to please you and the Bright Queen. And I’m good at it. If I say I have it all under control then I do. I have no personal connection to them. I don’t--I have no illusions about that.” 

"I saw you today," Adore reminded him, smile hard and angry. "I've never seen you like that. Normally when mother let me have my way with your playthings, you just folded like a broken chair. But this was different, wasn't it?" 

"They are not my playthings," Essek said firmly, throwing his napkin on the table. “The Mighty Nein are...well, it doesn’t matter anyways. Good night.” 

“Oh don’t be like that, Essek!” Adore called after him, but Essek was already out the door. He was grabbing his mantle when he heard his mother's heels. He stopped and looked at her. She had her arms crossed, and was staring at him impetuously. Eventually she sighed, and almost looked fond. As if Essek was a small child simply misbehaving. 

"Essek," she said, her voice almost comforting. "You know that all I wish is for us to maintain what we have." 

"I know, Mother," Essek said simply. She reached to trace his features with a touch that was a cruel illusion of motherly concern. 

"You inherited the only admirable traits your father had, your pretty face and comely voice. Everything else is mine," she said, grasping his chin. “We are alike, you and I. I know that when the time comes you will make the right decision. You’ll find your way to the correct path.” 

You are mine, she didn't say. My belonging to do with as I wish. The honors you achieve are mine, your accomplishments are mine, you are mine. 

Suddenly, he was a child again. They had all been watched incessantly for any sign of consecution. Everything was a test, everything. Your words, actions, how you looked at mother, how you slept or breathed. Just because a member of the den was your parent, it didn't mean you would stay. 

_Dead weight_ , Adore scoffed as a half-brother was given away, staring at them with eyes like broken-open graves as he was dragged out the door and away from the only world he had ever known. 

_Weak. It'll be you next, Essek. Just you wait and see._ Drari snickered. 

_Be grateful that isn’t you_ , his father sneered and Essek's cheek hurt from where he had backhanded him. Essek had liked that half-brother...his name had been Unak. He had cried when he had realized he wouldn't hear his brother play little cheerful tunes with his pennywhistle any longer...and his father had seen it. _Prove your worth and you won’t end up a failure like him._

_I don't even like him,_ Essek's first love, his first kiss, his first everything scoffed down the hall as Essek hid in a shadowed alcove. He had a crooked smile and a daring laugh, and had been less talented than Essek but not by much. His friends snickered with him, as if Essek's existence...his love was some great cosmic joke. _His Denmother told me that I just need to keep him in line until his consecution, and then I can have the pick of who I'll marry._

Essek would be thrown away. His whole life was spread out before him like some desolate plain, devoid of warmth or hope. The terror was a constant prevalent ache, like a wound that wouldn't heal. It scabbed over and tore, was ripped and bled. He hadn't been consecuted and he was of middling muddied blood. The Denmother even giving him a chance was a mercy, given only because he had been born of her. Essek was nothing but fodder or an easy target or just invisible. How? How could he escape his ruinous fate? He had to search for a way. Essek had to find a way to keep himself from being abandoned for good. If he was powerful enough, smart enough, then maybe--

And yet, all these years later, he still found himself alone and vulnerable in this house. He would rather quit it for good. 

"I found my way in spite of you," Essek said, his voice cool and impersonal. A stalwart loathing was rising in him. It was the same feeling he had when he had hacked off all of his hair with scissors the morning of his consecution. He had watched the horror spread upon his Denmother's face in the chapel and had been so proud. "I'll ask you not to pretend otherwise." 

"Fine," Mother said, stepping back. She looked exasperated. "Don't take my advice, but don't come crying to me when they hurt you." 

"I won't," Essek promised. "In that regard, you have the second highest honor." 

On that note, Essek left the house. He went home, floating as he did, grateful for the cool darkness. As soon as he was beyond the door of his towers, he leaned against the wall. The shaky exhale of breath escaped his lungs. His feet hit the ground with a soft click, and he slid down to sit on the floor. 

"Stop it," Essek demanded of himself, clenching his trembling fingers and forcing the air in and out of his lungs in ragged breaths. "Stop thinking about it. You are fine. You are fine. You are going to get up. You are going to go read Weraq's Treatise on Time and Space. You will get a glass of your favorite wine. You will start the fireplace. You will relax. You will stop acting like a fool, and just calm down you fucking idiot. You must prepare. You’ll have to face them again tomorrow." 

He chastised himself for a few more minutes, working to gather his strength and then peel himself up from the floor. 

He had a long week ahead of him. 

And so Essek continued to practice with the Mighty Nein, only occasionally bothered by his sister. But by the end of the week, even Adore was too busy with preparations to come and cause further destruction and mayhem within Essek’s personal life. The last two days leading up to the actual Day of Radiance was so busy with paperwork and shadow-monitoring that he couldn’t even check in with the Mighty Nein, though he had been informed that they had gone to get their evening attire without any out-of-the-ordinary antics. 

The morning of the Day of Radiance came. He had tranced early so that way he would be able to wake early. He had wanted to be sure to collect the Mighty Nein before the ritual started. Essek, used to a realm of eternal night where the passage of time meant little, had been told that the sun rose “early” though he didn’t really understand what that meant. He hadn’t expected an extremely grumpy Beau to answer the door, her hard-worn scowl even more prominent. 

“This should be illegal,” Beau grumbled. “Well...come on in. We could get you breakfast or something?" 

“I have already eaten, but I appreciate the offer," Essek said simply, drifting past the entrance before dropping his spell. 

"Oh my goodness Essek, my dress is absolutely beautiful! I know you'll see it tonight but do you wanna see it now?" Jester asked, grabbing his hands and bouncing up and down. 

"I wouldn't dare ruin the surprise for later," Essek said, patting one hand calmingly. "I'm sure you will look absolutely breathtaking." 

"Aw, Essek! You are going to make me blush!" Jester said with a giggle and a flutter of her eyelashes, tail waving behind her. "You aren't super in love with me are you?" 

"As lovely as you are, I assure you no." 

"Hello Essek," Caduceus greeted warmly, he reached out and took Essek's hand and shook it. He looked to picture of serenity as opposed to Beau...and Fjord who was laying on the coach snoring. "Ah...they had to wake up extra early to work out this morning."

"I see." 

"It'll be nice to see the sun today," Yasha said, her quiet thoughtful voice coming from the table. In her large hands she cradled a laughably delicate elf-sized tea cup. "Are you looking forward to it?" 

"It will be a very busy day," Essek admitted. "With a lot of official business."

"I understand." 

"Is that a new robe attached to your mantle?" Nott called, plodding into the room. As was the rest of the Mighty Nein, she was wearing her usual clothing, but they had obviously all been washed and pressed. Essek would have to ask if they used his recommended cleaner. 

"Ah…yes, for the occasion," Essek said. He had liked it because the fabric itself had a pleasing luster to it. 

"It looks very handsome, doesn't it Cay-Cay?" Nott called back as Caleb entered the living space. 

Essek had been seeing Caleb almost every day, and yet, he was still punched in the gut by how handsome he was. It was horrible how clean clothes and a shaved face could leave Essek so speechless. He was thankful that he wasn't required to be the next one to speak in this interaction. 

"Of course," Caleb said softly. "Good morning, Essek." 

"Good morning to you as well," Essek said managing to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth. He smiled his usual smile. "Well, if we are all here and ready, we must be getting going. They will soon start putting out the lanterns, and the streets are already quite busy. 

"We saw the stalls all going up yesterday. It really is like a big Harvest Close festival isn't it?" Fjord asked the others. 

"Do you think we'll be able to throw you again?" Jester asked excitedly. 

"No...definitely will not do a repeat of that performance,” Fjord said shaking his head. Yasha and Jester shared a meaningful look that Essek simply didn’t understand. 

“Let’s stop fucking around and get going!” Nott whined impatiently. 

“Okay Mighty Nein, break!” Fjord shouted, followed by a discordant clapping from everyone but Essek who stood there, rather confused, but was willing to usher them out the door. 

The city was alive in anticipation. Stalls lined the streets, with food vendors shouting out different prices for famous Xhorhassian dishes from across the Dynasty, clothing, jewels, games, or anything else you could possibly think of. The crowd swelled more intensely directly outside the Lucid Bastion. With a little effort they were let into the Lucid Bastion, to the upper most level of the Cathedral of the Bright Queen. There, the Bright Queen sat upon her throne, flanked by the High General and her innermost court members. This level was the observatory, the glass ceiling now open and the clerics of the Luxon gathered below it as well as some high-level wizards who Essek counted as his colleagues. When everyone was settled in their place, the Bright Queen raised her staff. 

“Let us commence with the Day of Radiance,” she announced. 

With a nod of her head, the wizards began to somatic gestures. The Clerics kneeled upon the floor, clasping their hands and began to pray,

“ _Oh Glorious Lord of Light, You who were first in the Universe and Master of All Creation. Keep me and bless me, in this life and my future lives. Show me the way as you did Our Most Righteous Queen, so that I may never be led astray. Let me pray for ascension, for consecution. Let us offer our bodies--our transient and mortal vessels to the light so that we may reach true Enlightenment._ ” 

“So I will it, so shall it be!” the Bright Queen commanded. 

Then, there was a pulse of power that shot up straight into the cover of darkness. Most of the members of the Mighty Nein gasped as it occurred. Even Essek, who saw this ritual once a year, still never got over the way the sky looked as the magic pulsed and radiated within the spectral field. And then, like the shell of the world had cracked like an egg, the field splintered and evaporated. There was a roar from the crowd outside, and the Bright Queen’s smile was nearly euphoric. 

Dawn was just breaking across the sky, lightening the curtain of the world. Dark blue shifted to light, and then there was the burnt orange glow of the sun beginning to gather like condensation at the bottom of a bowl. And then, the sun peaked out from the horizon. Thankfully it was low enough it didn’t hurt. And as soon as it did, there were cheers, fireworks were set off, and the sound of cheerful music burst out from below. 

The Bright Queen announced the end of the ceremony. Immediately, the nobility began to chit chat. 

“That is our cue,” Essek told the Mighty Nein. “If you would like, you may go down and join the festivities until the Illumination Ball.” 

“Oh! Can we? Can we?” Jester asked excitedly. “I want to go feel the sun on my face!” 

“Let’s go get some breakfast,” Beau said, stretching. 

“Essek, are you coming with us?” Caleb asked, startling Essek. The rest of the Mighty Nein was looking at him expectantly. Usually, on the Day of Radiance he kept to the inside of the Lucid Bastion. Often he would pretend to be busy, but really he preferred to stay out of the light. Sunlight wasn’t deadly to his kind, but it was certainly uncomfortable after a little bit, and his eyes had always been particularly sensitive. He had been told it was because he had silver eyes...the lighter the pigment the worse the pain. 

But looking at the expectant faces of the Mighty Nein, he found his protests stuck to the roof of his mouth. 

“I can come for a bit,” Essek said, offering a smile. In his mind, he was calculating how long it would be before the light became unbearable. He should be fine for at least an hour. 

“You’ll have to point us to the best food,” Fjord said with a grin before elbowing Caduceus. “We’ll probably find tea too.”

“They do have stalls that have tea,” Essek explained. “I’ll at least be able to show you to the popular food stalls.” 

“Oh! I never thought to sell tea in a stall, that’s nice!” Caduceus said, sounding legitimately delighted at the prospect. 

The streets were a hectic swell of bodies. Essek directed them through the movement to one of the stalls that served a popular drink made of rice, milk, and spices. Jester added an ungodly amount of syrup, as opposed to Nott who passed out shots to slip into the cups of anyone who wanted them. Essek himself got a bowl of rice porridge, while he watched them all attempt to figure out tofu or rice bowls or the spice of a fermented cabbage. 

They had been relatively safe in the rows of stalls, in the shade cast by the building and the roofs. But almost at the next moment, Essek took a wrong step and was immediately blinded. Oh, his eyes burned. He always hated this the most about the sunlight. He squinted, trying to make it bearable, but he couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes and spilled over. Essek turned quickly to face the wall, ducking his head to wipe at his eyes. 

“Essek? Is something wrong?” Caleb’s voice, low and soft and concerned. Essek jumped, having not expected to be seen and in such a pitiful condition. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just, my eyes are very sensitive to the light,” Essek apologized, closing his eyes and praying for strength. Even like this, the burning was nearly too much. “Forgive me.” 

He felt a hand grasp his, and tug him somewhere. Then he felt a touch upon his cheek...the most delicate and gentle brush of a thumb against his cheek. The touch traced right where his tears were cooling upon his skin. Essek stayed still, desperately trying not to shy away from the sensation. It all felt so close, and so personal, and so intimate that it left him breathless. When he managed to open his eyes (out of necessity...only because if he lingered in this moment too long he was afraid he would never leave) he saw Caleb looking down at him, having led them into the shade. 

He turned his head, moving out of the shade for just a single moment. Caleb was utterly radiant. In the sunlight, Caleb’s hair was fire, an even more vivid shade than Essek had realized. And his eyes were the color of the sky. A shade of blue that was almost impossible to replicate and yet by some magic it was here in his gaze. 

When you tear my heart out of my chest, will you at least cherish it? Essek's thought in a strange daze. Will you kiss me, before you devour it whole? 

"Essek?" Caleb asked, concerned, and Essek realized that he must have missed what Caleb had said to him. 

"Yes?"

"Do you want me to get Jester or Caduceus?" Caleb repeated, shifting on his feet nervously like a shy animal wandering close to a person. 

"No...no, I will be fine," Essek promised. 

“Oh, wait!” Caleb said, rooting around in his bag. “Ah, sheisse--here it is!” 

Out of his bag, he produced a hat. It was a straw hat, wide-brimmed and floppy. Essek blinked, half incredulous and half because it really was difficult to see in this light. 

“Caduceus gave this to me to hold onto, if you’d like I’m sure he wouldn’t mind?” Caleb asked. 

What would hurt worse? The sun in his eyes, or his bruised ego? The hat would really clash with his whole outfit. But in the end, the burning in his eyes was enough. He plucked the hat from Caleb’s grasp, careful not to brush their fingertips against each other. He placed it on his head, mindful of his ears and earrings, and was immediately glad for the shade. Essek looked up to see a smile attempting to peak out from the horizon of Caleb's lips. Essek gave him a look. 

"I must look ridiculous," Essek signed, resigned to his fate, curling his hands inside his sleeves. "Feel free to laugh." 

“You could never look ridiculous,” Caleb promised with velvet soft eyes that Essek could almost feel sweeping across his features. “Though I am not a good judge of these things, but you are always...”

“Always?” Essek prompted. Caleb for a moment looked caught, like a child sneaking sweets from a jar. 

“You always look refined and put together,” Caleb said, the slightest tint of pink in his cheeks and on the soft rounded curve of his ears. In the daylight, somehow, it was even more charming. It was strange, but somehow in the light the human looked more alive then Essek had ever seen him before. A creature of light and fire, Essek thought solemnly. How strange it would be...if his people had never conquered the sky with magic. If they had remained bound to the Underdark their paths would have never crossed. 

“Stop flirting over there and join us!” Beauregard shouted at them. Essek watched Caleb’s face go scarlett. Essek was glad for his years of rigorous court training and for the shade of the hat that hid his face. 

“We ought to go join your friends,” Essek said, motioning for Caleb to follow. Caleb gave Essek a sheepish smile, and then did. 

He looked at the Mighty Nein, their rambunctious spirit and their excited demeanor. He looked from Jester marvelling over sweets sculpted to look like small baby birds or spiders, Nott playing tossing games against Fjord while Caleb watched, and Yasha and Clay browsed stalls. He orbited around them, like one of the dwarf planets that their scholars documented in their reports. Essek was just thankful to be able to bask momentarily in their shine. 

Essek caught Caleb’s smile, and returned it with one of his own.

* * *

“Essek what do you think?” Jester called before bursting out from a corner. The top of her dress unfolded like beautiful flower petals about her shoulders and chest, it was cinched at her waist and then unfurled out in asymmetrical waves of sparkling pink pastel fabric that lightened to almost blush-white at the bottom. The front was short enough to reveal calf, almost enough to be scandalous but just riding the line. 

They were within the palace. Essek was waiting for the Mighty Nein and just hoping and praying they left everything within the suites alone. A shadow had already been assigned to check over the rooms for any missing objects or hidden dick drawings, but he had faith that if left to their own devices the Mighty Nein was capable of many unforeseeable things. 

“You look beautiful,” Essek promised her, “as do you Nott.” 

“Thank you,” Nott chirped, swishing her lantern-light yellow dress. It was similar to Jester’s in style, but with a high neck and gloves. 

“We all clean up nicely I think,” Beau said, appearing in blue robes, with an ornate detailed sash with the design of swooping dragon flies and iridescent lily flowers. Caduceus was smiling at the long sleeves of his tunic, an ephemeral garment a swirling floral design that matched with his general aesthetic. His green vestiges had real flower buds beginning to bloom along the buttons. And though his symbol was there in his ear, they were also adorned with creeping gold vines. 

“That we do,” Fjord said before motioning Beau closer to him. He was wearing a more classic Xhorhassian silhouette, a geometrically quilted dark green gambeson and black cloak and cut a dashing figure in it. He helped to straighten her sash before giving her a thumb’s up. Yasha was wearing her usual armor, though it had obviously been cleaned and mended. She nodded at Essek in greeting, and Essek returned the gesture. 

“Ah, Essek.”

Essek’s mouth went dry. 

Caleb was dressed like a main character from Essek’s childhood collection of fairy tales from across the world. He was dressed like a bridegroom on his way to woo his sweetheart, blue vest and shiny gold buttons and a jacket with a velvet lapel. His hair was even tied back with a blue ribbon, which made his hair an even richer red and his eyes a cornflower blue. Essek tried to find somewhere to look, but somehow was even more distracted. From the white ascot that contrasted against the pale cream and a dusting of dusky freckles upon his neck, to the attractive cut of his pants that certainly did him plenty of favors. 

“I see the tailor earned his keep,” Essek managed to comment before immediately turning to everyone for emphasis. “You all look wonderful.” 

“It’s a little rich for my blood,” Caleb said worriedly, pulling at his sleeve. “I am afraid the clothes are wearing the man, ja?” 

“Not at all, Caleb!” Nott protested shrilly, grabbing onto his sleeve. “You look wonderful! Doesn't he, Essek?" 

"Of course," Essek said simply. "You all do." 

Nott pouted as if that wasn't the answer she was going for. But thankfully no one else pressed him, if they had Essek wasn't sure he would be able to hide the fact he was having heart palpitations. It should be against the laws of nature for a man to be so attractive. There was an old story of a drow who wasted away looking at his reflection in an underground pool so still that it acted as a mirror, and when Essek was young he didn’t understand why he didn’t prioritize his life over beauty. But looking at Caleb just now? Essek wasn’t sure he would be able to notice if he were on fire in the face of such beauty. 

They entered the ballroom during the announcements. All of the important nobility and diplomats were given their dues, including the Mighty Nein who all seemed to have various reactions to all the attention that was given to them. Essek quickly ducked out, to give his mantle to one of the servants. He didn’t want to give it up because they would all see him, but he had to because the garment was too cumbersome to dance in. They would see the lines of his body in a way that Essek wished to keep private. Essek had always been good at hiding in plain sight...but without his mantle everyone would see-- 

“You look very nice,” a voice startled him out of the rising tide of his panic. Essek looked over to see the Dusk Captain, dressed in resplendent military garb, silvered and shining like a full moon. Her mouth quirked up in a small smile. “Though, I always do forget how scrawny you are underneath that mantle of yours.” 

“I can hardly dance with it if I need to,” Essek said, smoothing his silvered brocade tunic, making sure the fine black pearls buttons were properly shiny. “As much as I loathe to give it up.” 

“You will dance then? With the human wizard?” the Dusk Captain asked, sounding amused. 

“I doubt it,” Essek said as he clasped his hands behind his back. “It wouldn’t be proper. I will merely offer support if needed.” 

“You are very good at being improper,” the Dusk Captain noted. “In the best ways, of course. Being too proper hurts the soul. It is better to be brash.” 

“That I am not too sure of,” Essek admitted.

“Do yourself a favor, Essek,” the Dusk Captain said, looking at him with a soft gaze. “Allow yourself even the slightest indulgence. You are still in your first life, now is the time to be wild and reckless.” 

“I don’t know if the Bright Queen would appreciate that sentiment,” Essek said with a scoff. 

“I doubt my wife would,” the Dusk Captain laughed, hearty and full of life. “But she also was once a wild, young, reckless creature at heart. That I can assure you. She has always seen a lot of herself in you. And I know that she, as well as I, would hate for you to miss out on what is possible for you.” 

“The comparison is enough to honor me,” Essek said, bowing deeply. 

“I shall see you in the ballroom.” 

With that, the Dusk Captain swept out of the room the moment his mother swept in. She curtsied deeply to the Dusk Captain before she looked over Essek with a critical gaze. Deirta walked around him, like she was inspecting him for any fault, but was apparently sated by whatever she saw and ending her incessant circling. He already wanted to go home. 

“What did she speak to you about?” Deirta asked, her red gown swaying as she moved, on top of the satin a layer of sheer sparkling fabric decorated with rubies and crystal blooms caught in the lamp light and made her shimmer. 

“She merely wished me well,” Essek said. “Are they announcing our den soon?” 

“Yes, I would like for you to accompany me and your father,” Deirta said, holding out her arm and Essek took it automatically. 

“A strange choice,” Essek noted. “But of course, Mother.” 

“Of course not,” his mother said cooly, smiling pleasantly as servants moved out of their way. “You are of my den and my son, after all.” 

“And you are not angry with me for the other night?” 

“Angry? No, of course not,” she said, her hand reaching to pat his. “You see, your father reminded me that you are young. I always forget that, you know.” 

“I am an adult, Mother,” Essek reminded her, still smiling easily. “Do not patronize me, and treat me like a misbehaving pet. And your husband is not my father, you made that clear to me the other day.”

“Now, now, of that you are right. But your father never had such a horrible temper,” Mother chided him. “I haven’t the slightest clue where you got that from.”

“You and I remember my father very differently then,” Essek told her. 

“Perhaps,” his Mother said with a sigh. “You were always a sensitive child.” 

Essek held his tongue, he had to, or else he would say something he knew he would regret. Keep it inside, Essek told himself sternly. Keep it inside. Do not let her see your weakness. All she ever does is exploit it and you for her own gain. 

“Dance the Opening Dance with Danton of Den Kilsek,” his mother said lightly, conversationally. As if it weren’t an order. Danton of Den Kilsek? The name came to him like information written on his dockets. He was a powerful captain of the Echo Knights, one of the High General’s right hand men. A handsome drow, with a sharp smile and an intuitive talent for swordplay. Consecuted, and on his second life. He was also a stringent member of the faction who wished to erase the Empire from Wildemount. 

“Why should I do that?” Essek asked her. 

“I agreed to allow him to court you, of course,” Mother said. “He came to me the other day, quite taken with your eyes which _‘are as silver as the gossamer thread of the Luxon’s power’_. He swore, he saw you smile _‘a smile as delicate as the sliver of the waning moon’_. Really, it was quite touching. I didn’t know him to be so poetic. Now, I would prefer you just to marry a woman, your talents are simply too powerful not to pass on. But, I know you have your preferences, so I figured this would be an acceptable offer to you for you to get some appropriate companionship.” 

“Deirta, Essek--”

Essek yanked his arm from his mother’s grip. Her husband and the family around them gaped, including her mother who took in a breath like Essek had slapped her. 

“I shall go in by myself,” Essek told the Master of Ceremonies, who looked like getting involved in the family drama was the last thing he wanted. But he gave Essek a solemn nod before stepping out and allowing his voice to carry. 

“Announcing Shadowhand Essek Theylss, of Den Theylss!” 

Essek walked out, down the stairs, facing the sea of people alone.


	3. It Takes Two...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you wouldn't mind?" Essek asked, offering his hand. Caleb took it after a single moment's hesitation. Without his levitation spell, Caleb was a few inches taller than him. Essek had to look up to meet his gaze, and the way it felt to see his blue eyes glinting at this angle from the lantern-light pulled at something low and deep inside of him. "I'll lead this time, and then next time I'll follow."
> 
> At the request of the Bright Queen, the Mighty Nein are invited to the Illumination Ball. Essek, of course, is the one tasked with preparing them for such a momentous occasion. Unfortunately, he doesn't really know what he is getting himself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, we’re at the end. Yes I am aware of the latest episode...so....uh....I guess this fic isn’t canon compliant but you know what that’s alright. I don’t mind. 
> 
> Thanks everyone for all the love and support! I really enjoyed writing this fic, and look forward to my next Shadowgast endeavor. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Warning: Explicit sexual content (starts with “Essek fell back into the bed with a huff of air that escaped his lungs” and ends with “ Caleb smiled against his lips, and made it all worth it.” )

The ballroom itself was a sparkling diamond with many facets alight with great lanterns and the setting sun. Those nobility who had been lucky enough to receive an invitation were dressed in all the finery that could be found in the kingdom. Some in traditional Xhorhassian cuts, others in the foreign vivid fabrics of Nicodranas, some splashed with silks from Pride’s Call, while some wore jewelry work from Uthodurn. Essek did his duty, greeting the most powerful denmothers who lined the way to the Bright Queen’s throne who had taken their places as they had been introduced. The throne itself was empty, the Bright Queen would join them all last. She always did love the dramatic, Essek thought ruefully. It was normal enough that it made his smile feel more genuine upon his face. Thankfully he could hide his trembling hands in his long sleeves. 

“Shadowhand,” Skysybil greeted, lantern-eyes gleaming. She was seated, dressed in fine black and white robes as her long intricate braids hung by her sunken wrinkled cheeks. 

“Honored Skysybil,” Essek said with a deep bow before he moved on. Usually he would take his place by her, but since he had been tasked with keeping his eye on the Mighty Nein, he went ahead to find them. It didn’t take long to cross their paths as they all stood as a garden of colors amongst the extravagant guests. Before Essek could even get a word in edgewise, Jester bounded up to him with her abundance of energy and nearly bowled him over in her enthusiasm. 

“Oh. My. Gods!” Jester squealed, rushing up and grasping his hands. “You look so beautiful, Essek. Were you hiding that outfit under your mantle the whole time? And are those heels?” 

“They would be,” Essek said, turning his heeled boots to the side. Along the side of his shoes groups of crystals clustered together like natural geometric formations. He had been quite fond of them and their design, especially considering that when he wasn’t floating he tended to be even more lithe and small than the average drow. Any advantage of height he got was a good one, it helped him keep the illusion of power at least. 

“You look…” Caleb’s voice cracked and splintered. Essek looked up, to see Caleb staring at him. The depth of emotion on his face was hard for him to parse out, but all Essek knew was that the look sent shivers down his spine. Essek was about to say something, but the sound of strings caught his attention. 

“Ah, the Opening Dance is about to start,” Essek said, strangely grateful for the distraction. 

Around the dancefloor, all of the guests gathered to watch the beginning. The Bright Queen descended down the stairs with the Dusk Captain, her wife. She was the moonlight catching the waves, as her dress sparkled and shimmered with every step as if it were alive. The Bright Queen took her place in the center of the floor as the Dusk Captain taking her hands reverently. The audience bowed and curtsied to them first, showing reverence to their majesties. The Dusk Captain then kneeled, took the Bright Queen’s hand, and kissed it. This elicited a delighted gasp from a few of the Mighty Nein. Essek though was trained on the Bright Queen’s expression...soft and longing as she drew near to her wife. 

Their bodies pressed together as closely aligned like the two halves of the moon. And then with the swelling strings they began to dance. Heels flicked, the Bright Queen's dress flashed in the lantern light. They moved like one being, like they shared breath and heartbeat and life. Every move one took was balanced perfectly by the other as they swept across the dancefloor like the oncoming tide rushing in to the beach. 

"They are so beautiful," Yasha whispered, her colorful gaze full of longing. 

"They are two souls as one," Essek said back, looking forward so that his gaze wouldn't betray anything...the yearning that carved itself into his bones as he watched the Dusk Captain lift his Queen, and she melted into her arms. "Bound together by fate for all eternity, they dance. They are souls completely intertwined, with their bodies acting as a sacred conduit instead of a barrier. That is the meaning of this dance, and for us, romance. They are our highest ideal." 

Essek didn't say that the first time he had seen them dance he had cried in an empty room. Their love had made him desolate...it had ravaged his heart completely. For in the face of such splendor, how could he ever find anything to compare? He didn’t say that he had long since taken to watching them, never joining in on the dance. There was so little that was beautiful about this world and this country...he had often felt that he had to savor whatever little things he could. 

The tempo began to change, and the dancers began to sweep to the sides, ready to enter the space that the Bright Queen had made holy. 

“It is time,” Essek told the Mighty Nein. “Pair up.” 

Just as practiced, they paired off. Essek went to step back, to attempt to disappear within the crowd where it was safe, but immediately he was caught. Caleb’s hand was outstretched to him, and Essek raised his face to meet his gaze. 

“Would you dance with me?” Caleb asked, his voice like a small fledgling riding upon wings of hope...so easily dashed by harsh winds. And so much of him wished to say no, to duck back into formality and courtly manners because they would all see him. It would be just like Adore said, his heart would bleed out upon that sacred space that the Bright Queen and the Dusk Captain had anointed with their love and everyone in the dynasty would know that Caleb had his heart. They would know what Essek had hardly admitted to himself...but now could no longer hide. They would all know that Essek was in love with Caleb. 

But if this is your only chance to hold him...could you bear to pass it up? Would you ever forgive yourself if you didn’t let yourself live in this bright shining moment? Essek thought to himself, steeling his spine and fishing into the depths of his courage. Be rebellious. Be courageous. 

“Yes,” Essek said, barely recognizing his own voice. He pushed through it regardless. He took Caleb’s hand, and he was swept out to the floor with the rest of the dancers. 

His hand pressed into the small of Essek’s back, branding his touch over shoulder blades. Despite all the layers, Essek could feel him and he didn’t fight it. He pressed his chest close, his cheek almost brushing the hollow of his neck. The music moved them across the floor with all the other dancers...allies...enemies...all of them spiders on a web that tangled them all up together inextricably. But they didn’t matter as Essek’s fingers trailed from Caleb’s arm to his back, and as Caleb spun them with tight almost militaristic precision. Patterns. Dancing was patterns, magic was made of patterns. To someone else, it may have seen impersonal but when Essek caught his gaze his eyes were glimmering with desire. 

The music echoed distantly in Essek’s ears, all that mattered was Caleb’s warm breath...the scent of woodsmoke and something sweet and something distinctly male. Essek’s palm found the ridges of his ribs as Caleb’s fingers for a moment ghosted from Essek’s neck, down his arm, to grasp his hand and lead them into another turn and spin. Essek’s body...the cup in which his soul was residing, was overflowing with this touch. 

There was magic in this, Essek thought as he leaned back into a dip. He was resonating with it. This he would remember, he would be sure of it. Even as everything else slipped from his grasp one day, he would remember the moment where he was sure that he too had been transformed by his own love. He had found something divine and sacred in a world where the sacred was as rare as touching a star. Essek had never enjoyed the light, it had been too hard for him to bear. But now, he was drawn to the beat of Caleb’s heart like a moth drawn to flame and without it he was sure to be left cold. 

“Essek,” Caleb said, voice caught in the exertion of the dance, and the sound was so pleasing that it pulled on something deep and primal inside of him. 

“Caleb?” Essek asked as they turned into the last movements of the dance. They danced, Essek’s leg hooked to Caleb’s. He cradled Essek’s back as he raised his hand in the finishing posture as the song ended. There was the loud sound of clapping from all the onlookers that rained over them, for a moment blocking out everything but the puff of Caleb’s breath and his cheeks stained red. 

“You look beautiful tonight,” Caleb whispered. 

Essek’s voice was caught in his throat, and all he could do was smile in return. He took Caleb’s hand, and kissed it.

* * *

Essek was in the depths of his first glass of wine, watching as the ball continued. The dancers continued their twirling to a litany of Xhorhassian classics as the bards continued their well practiced tunes. He had stationed himself at the edge of the ballroom in a private corner away from the gossiping ladies who flitted about like a colorful array of tropical birds in the dangerous jungle of society, but of course there was always one such bird who attempted to rope him in to some asinine nonsense. 

“Come along, Essek,” Adore said, hooking his arm with hers. She was dressed in a beautiful sunset-orange gown with a daring low back, and her smile flashed at her husband who waved at her from his own conversation. Her horns glittered with golden jewelry, and her face nearly sparkled in the low light. “You must say hello to the ladies.” 

“You must be awfully bored if you are attempting to add me to the conversation,” Essek noted, before putting on his professional face. Immediately though, he saw the game Adore was attempting to play as Lady Kilsek looked up from her glass. He was half tempted to just stop walking in the middle of the room, but thought better of it. No need for any more unnecessary drama this evening. After all, he was sure there would be plenty to have. 

“Lord Shadowhand,” Lady Kilsek said with a gracious bow of her head. Lady Kilsek, the matriarch of Den Kilsek, was an ancient drow woman in her third life...though soon it would be her fourth. The other ladies at the table all made moves to get up and curtsy, but Essek waved them off with a practiced smile that felt slick upon his face. 

“My lady,” Essek said, plucking her outstretched hand and bowing. “How are you and your kin?”

“Blessed by the light upon this day,” Lady Kilsek said. “And by good company, of course. And entertainment.” 

Essek followed her gaze to where Nott was currently engaged with her fourth glass of wine, and Beauregard and Fjord were laughing at the faces Jester was making as she told some story. Caduceus, Yasha, and Caleb were off somewhere in the crowd, beyond where Essek could see. They were rowdier than polite company would allow, clearly designated by the way the other nobility had placed at least one table between themselves and the Mighty Nein, but they were having fun. 

“They are quite the handful,” Essek said simply. 

“They did well in the Opening Dance,” Lady Omryn said as she fanned herself with a delicately painted fan. “I hear that was yours and Adore’s doing, hm?” 

“As our Queen required,” Essek said with a simple nod as he took the free seat. 

“I was especially surprised by their grace,” Lady Destor giggled, plucking a flute of liquor from a servant. “Who knew those boorish Empire types could pick up our dance with such ease! It gives me hope for their types, you know, when the war is over.” 

When we have absorbed their country, destroyed their culture, and have enslaved their citizens to our wills more like, Essek thought, resisting the urge to snort. What a joke. 

“They are an eclectic group of individuals from different countries across Wildemount,” Essek said as he folded his hands upon his lap. Lady Destor looked like she was about to say something else, when the moment that Essek had been dreading arrived. Sir Danton appeared naturally as if this had not been planned. Essek revealed nothing, his face surely still a pool of calm. 

“Grandmother,” Sir Danton said, bowing and kissing his grandmother’s hand. There was a look that passed between them, and then Danton looked towards Essek. “Lord Shadowhand.” 

“Blessed be,” Essek said with the slightest inclination of his head.

“Lord Shadowhand, if you would do me the honor of the next dance?” Sir Danton asked, offering his arm. Essek stood up in a fluid motion as he knew he was unable to refuse, feeling Adore’s eyes and he knew his mother’s somewhere. He took Sir Danton’s arm and allowed him to lead him out onto the dancefloor as the next song began. Essek looked at Danton with a clinical gaze, categorizing his features like he was studying his runes. He did cut a handsome figure, with broad strong shoulders for their rather small race. When his hand moved a bit too languidly against his back Essek leveled a look. 

“As a warrior, I would have thought you would have more control over your movements,” Essek commented coolly. The hand moved back to somewhere much more appropriate as they spun, corrected as if it were nothing but a slip during the dance. 

“Forgive me, Lord Shadowhand,” Danton chuckled, cavalier in the face of Essek’s quiet anger. “I just thought this is what you enjoyed, considering what I saw in the Opening Dance.” 

“You certainly got an eyeful of something,” Essek noted as he seethed. “Though your capacity for imagination is impolite at best, coarse at worst.” 

“Now, we both know better than that,” Danton said, moving them closer in time with the music. Essek felt cold and somehow even more detached, moving impersonally with the steps. “I am not a jealous man. In fact, I quite enjoy a show of passion...regardless of the recipient.” 

“A voyeur then,” Essek said with a roll of his eyes. “How lovely.” 

“There it is...that disdainful expression, I do like that about you.” 

"All you like about me is my face," Essek scoffed. 

"Of course I like your face," Danton chuckled, fingers stroking along the back of his hand. "You are quite arresting, and you know that. I like your vanity as well." 

"Clearly," Essek said, hoping beyond all hope the dance would end soon. “Forgive me that I could not give you a smile as delicate as the sliver of the waning moon.”

"Ah, how utterly cruel of you. I do like your cruelty," Danton purred, face close. "Does your pet enjoy that about you as well? Do you take him into the dungeon to show him what you are truly like? Or are you afraid he would flinch from you?" 

"You know nothing about me," Essek commented, unable to help the way his voice went hard and cold as ice. He itched to cast a spell that would truly let Danton know what he was really like, but managed to control himself. 

"You are right, you make yourself uniquely unknowable. But I would have all the time in the world to know you, if you would let me."

"You are a small man with smaller thoughts," Essek snapped. "You already bore me, I doubt I could stand you for longer than just this dance." 

"You will regret loving him. It is only a matter of time, Essek."

“I don’t believe I gave you permission to call me by my name,” Essek reminded him. 

“You are right, but of course, your mother did give me permission...when she granted me her blessing as your denmother.” 

"If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that my Denmother's opinion matters little to me. In fact, if she has given her approval to you, you are the last man in the entire world who I would ever consider marrying--" 

Essek was about to say something else that was probably far more rude when Danton spun him, and then Essek was pulled out of Danton’s grip. 

"If you’ll allow me to cut in," Caleb said, giving Danton a glare. Essek started, and Danton bowed in defeat. 

“Of course,” Danton said, before he could say no more because Caleb half whisked him away. Essek followed the steps for a few moments before being unable to resist sighing. 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Essek chastised him, but regardless he melted back into Caleb’s arms. It should have been horrifying...embarrassing...just how easy it felt to slip back into his embrace and into the rhythm of their dance. But instead, it was the most comfortable he had been all night, the smile that had so grated against his face felt natural once more. 

“Why? He was obviously making you uncomfortable,” Caleb said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I am not good at social cues, but even I could tell that much.” 

“Oh it is all just a stupid game,” Essek huffed. 

“Game?” 

“Have you had the distinct honor of meeting my mother yet?” Essek asked Caleb, whose brows furrowed as they moved into a longer promenade. 

“Lady Theylss...yes, I did.” 

“I’m sure she was lovely and considerate and said wonderful things about me,” Essek said tiredly. “And that is the man she has given permission to court me, without my input, because it suits her best to have me under her thumb at all times.”

“Why would she do that to you?” Caleb asked, sounding more concerned than Essek had ever deserved. It would have been heartwarming, if it hadn’t been so foolish. He didn’t need Caleb to be worrying about him. It just made it harder to separate his fantasies from the reality he lived in. 

“I’m sure in her head it all makes perfect sense, and I ought to follow conventions and do my humble duty with a smile on my face. I…I just can’t seem to squash my own feelings. Really, having emotions is quite cumbersome,” Essek explained, resting his cheek against Caleb’s shoulders. “It just tires me, is all.” 

“Would she force your hand?” 

“No, she would try to convince me or blackmail me, but I’m too wily to fall for such a thing, and too willful. My mother knows I would rather burn down everything than succumb to her tricks, and she would rather corner me,” Essek said, pulling his head back slightly to look Caleb in the eye. “This is the world I live in. It’s quite beautiful...but it’s hollow. I’m sure you understand why I prefer to be alone.” 

“No one prefers to be alone,” Caleb told him. “No one. That’s just a lie we tell ourselves.” 

“Oh? Are there any other nuggets of wisdom you would like to impart upon me?” Essek asked sarcastically. 

“I did cut in because you looked uncomfortable...but I was uncomfortable too,” Caleb said, looking off to the side where Danton had disappeared into the crowd. The sharp line of his jaw was clenched. “I did not like the way he was touching you.” 

“Don’t,” Essek warned him, though it sounded too close for begging for his own ears. “Don’t.”

“Essek?” Caleb asked, the concern in his voice striking him like an arrow to the chest. 

This was no good, Essek thought desperately. It was one thing to be in love with Caleb, to know that and accept it. To hold him in his arms...but to not cross the line that was so obviously drawn in the sand. But this was something else entirely… it was treading into dangerous waters. Essek could never have the things he wanted. It was one of the unwritten rules of his universe...that the world would conspire against him in some way any time he even thought he might receive even the smallest of concessions in return. 

“You aren’t being fair,” Essek told him. “You can’t just…” 

“Essek...I…” Caleb spoke, but it sounded like he was struggling against the waves as well. It almost made Essek laugh...and it almost made him cry. 

As soon as the dance ended, Essek tried to extricate himself from Caleb’s grasp. He really did try. But he couldn’t seem to find it in himself to let go of Caleb’s hand. He wished he could just rip his traitorous heart straight from his chest, to let it crumble to ash and be swept away on the currents of the wind. But Caleb instead continued to hold his hand, to lead Essek somewhere...though he could barely focus until Caleb stopped and released his hand. 

“You’ve shared so much with me,” Caleb said quietly, turning to face him as he closed the door behind him with a click. “Would you allow me to share something with you?” 

Essek finally came out of his head, back to his body, and saw that they were out onto a balcony, blissfully alone. The sound of the dance and the laughter echoed from inside as light poured from the other balconies. For a moment he gripped the railing of the balcony, looking out at the city that settled like a glistening tidepool on a distant shore. Even now there were the sounds of celebration as the Parade of Lanterns continued through the streets. It may as well have been a different planet with the distant ruddy moon peeking out from behind the veil of night and the larger one glowing in the sky so brightly that it almost hurt. 

Essek nodded and when Caleb held out his hand, he took it. Caleb began dancing with Essek, leading him through a simple four step dance. And yet, despite the simpleness of the step, the dance itself was elegant and smooth. It reminded Essek of watching children skate over ice in the center of Rosohna. He had never been allowed to do such childish things...but often he had watched them...he had yearned for something similar. After he began to float he learned the cost of such childish wishes. Somehow he was always punished for the things he wanted...even if they were the smallest of things. 

It was strange though because he was so used to their dances. But this dance was a different type of intimacy. Instead of the representation of passion, it was something else. It was like something delicate and fragile was budding between them, the way that the druids called flowers to grow from barren ground. The sound of the music grew more distant, their movements grew slower...and quieter, until Caleb was simply holding him. Essek caught his gaze, and something electric passed between them. His mouth went dry. 

“You mean a great deal to me, though I can’t say that I believe that I deserve it,” Caleb said softly. 

“What are you trying to say?” Essek asked him, and just that comment was enough to tear him from his revelery. He didn’t realize he was floating until he bobbed as Caleb’s hand continued to grip his forearm. “You don’t deserve it? Don’t deserve what?” 

“I don’t deserve your...your consideration,” Caleb said, squeezing Essek's hands in his own desperately trying to keep them occupied. “And I certainly don’t deserve your kindness. And I know...I know that sounds terrible. I wasn’t attempting to use you in a political game. I overstepped, I allowed my feelings to overshadow my logic. I know you don’t feel the same, but--” 

“Stop it,” Essek demanded,pulling a hand away and holding it up. “Stop it, you are being mean. Stop it!” 

Caleb froze, a small animal caught in a trap. Essek attempted to breathe past the frustration that was welling up inside of him, he took a single step back. All he wanted was to remain in Caleb’s arms, soaking up his warmth, but he couldn’t bear it. 

“Mean…?” Caleb echoed. 

“Kindness?” Essek parroted back to him incredulously. “Consideration? Why are you ascribing me the barest modicum of...of decency and yet you think so lowly of yourself?”

“That isn’t--”

“What do you think you do not deserve? You don’t deserve my kindness? My consideration? My decency?” Essek demanded, eyes stinging with his own tears. “I barely have any of those things to spare myself or anyone else, and yet I have given it all to you...and found more of that within me while loving you! You already have all those things and my heart. Are my feelings that mysterious to you...you...you utterly obtuse moron?!” 

“Essek,” Caleb said as he moved closer. 

“I won’t do it,” Essek snapped, fists clenched. “I won’t do it! Not when I’ve already made such a fool out of myself, loving you. I have more respect for myself than that--I have to have more respect for myself than that. I am the only one who does--!”

“Essek,” he whispered, drawing even closer but Essek couldn’t breath, he couldn’t stop the fact his heart was pouring out over Caleb. 

“--and everyone else I’ve ever met has only ever viewed me as an object. All I’ve ever done is provide what others need, and I’ve received paltry scraps in return and I was happy with that and being alone, until you and your friends came along and ruined me--!” Essek gripped Caleb’s wrist as he cupped his face and turned it up tenderly, like he was the most precious thing he had ever held. “--take responsibility for this, you bastard!” 

“Essek, I’m sorry,” Caleb whispered, completely shattering Essek. He breathed it against his lips, so close to him that they could almost... “I’m sorry that I...I never wished to make you cry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, I don’t want that,” Essek told him, finally working up the courage to look at Caleb directly. His expression was searching...longing...soft with grief and something deeper and more ardent. He couldn’t stand it, so he turned away. He looked at the balcony. They were only a few feet off the grounds that led into the royal garden. Twisting his wrist, he hopped over the balcony and settled on the ground. 

“Essek--”

“You’re wrong about me,” Essek said, schooling his voice into something professional. “I cannot allow myself or you to be destroyed by what we have between us, so, if that is the case we best end whatever this is here and now.”

“Is that what you are so afraid of?” Caleb demanded hotly. He swung a leg over the railing of the balcony. 

“Wait, Caleb, no--”

Caleb swore as he jumped to the ground, almost teetering over but managing to catch himself at the last minute. Essek looked at him and saw his jaw set in a stubborn line. 

“Why are you following me?” Essek snapped, walking further into the royal gardens. 

“You are afraid of them? Of what they will think of us? I have lived my whole life absolutely terrified, and I am not going to be afraid to love you,” Caleb’s words punched Essek right in the gut as he pointed back to the balcony they had both jumped off of. He tried to suck in air, to breathe, past the desperate hammering of his heart but it had jumped up in his throat. 

“No,” Essek nearly hissed, swatting at his hand. He was thankful he knew the gardens well, or else he would have ended up tripping over a lightly glowing flower. 

“You can’t tell me no! I love you. I can control my feelings for you as much as I can control the fucking sun rising and setting!” 

“You barely know anything about me,” Essek told him, stamping his foot on the cobblestone path. “And they will hurt you, and I will hurt you...you don’t understand what they are like! You don’t understand what I am like!”

“I think out of everyone in the world, you would know I can understand,” Caleb said as Essek finally stopped by the fountain. The weight of what Caleb was saying was settling on his shoulders and making it almost impossible to move away, the horrible, seductive, wonderful words that he couldn’t allow to pierce his carefully constructed armor. “Why is it that you are allowed to love me but I am not allowed to love you, that you think your demons are somehow stronger than mine and the burdens you bear are heavier? I would do everything with you, if only you asked. I thought that was obvious, but clearly it wasn’t.” 

“I will lose you,” Essek said with a laugh that had a sour bitter twist to it. “I lose everything I love. No, it’s not just that...I am always abandoned or failed. It all just slips away from me...it becomes impure and tainted somehow. I don’t have anything real. I don’t have a real family...I’ve never had real friends or even love. I am not even sure which one of me is the real me, is it me here or is it the one who was out in the ballroom or is it the one who I am when I am alone. I don’t even know myself anymore, and it doesn’t matter.” 

“I will not lie to you and say that one day you won’t lose me...you will. I am human, not a fool--” 

“Is this supposed to convince me somehow?” Essek interrupted incredulously. “You are doing an absolutely outstanding job. Would you like a handshake?” 

“So what’s the alternative, I live my life without loving you and being loved by you in return?” Caleb asked shaking his head and shuddering like that really was some kind of horrendous fate. Essek searched his expression for some show of facetiousness, but saw nothing but honesty. That alone was enough to hollow his belly further. “No, no. I won’t do that.” 

“You don’t get to make that decision,” Essek said, jabbing a finger in his direction. “I will do whatever it is I want to.”

“So you’ll stop loving me then?” 

“I will! Just watch me!” Essek shouted, throwing his hands up indignantly.

“Sheisse, are you always this stubborn for the sake of all the gods!” 

“I am, and if you don’t like it then just admit you don’t actually love me.” 

“Nein, I still love you.”

“Stop saying that!” Essek hissed. 

“And I know you love me, you wouldn’t be trying this hard to push me away if you didn’t. Trust me, I know a thing or two about that sort of behavior.” 

“You are making it very difficult to love you, considering how much I hate you right now,” Essek said as he glared up at the star-filled sky. “Luxon protect me.” 

“What I was going to say before you interrupted me, was that one day I will lose you or you will lose me. I’ve lost enough in my life...I know how terrifying and horrendous it can be. It eats you up...like...ah, I don’t know the word in Common. The...the worms that grow in meat--”

“Maggots? Grubs?” Essek offered, though Common wasn’t his first language either. 

“Yes,” Caleb said fist in his hand. “That. But, that fear...somehow you can grow from it. I did that with my friends once...I would do it with you too. It doesn’t matter to me if we never kiss, or touch. Or if we never get married, or if that dance we had is the last time I ever held you in my arms. Just being by your side for the rest of my comparatively short life, knowing that we love each other would be enough.” 

“It wouldn’t be enough,” Essek said, more sure of that than anything else in this life. 

“Essek?” 

“Just being with you wouldn’t be enough. I’d at least want to hold your hand every day,” Essek admitted, sneaking his hands into his own sleeves. Though he told himself it was to hide their shaking once more, it was mostly because he wished to reach for Caleb in that moment. 

“Oh?” Caleb asked, sounding surprised at the confession. Essek was too, honestly. 

“And...I’d want to sit beside you,” Essek said, looking at Caleb. “Every night...I have a fireplace in my second tower I haven’t used in thirty years. I would make you light it, because I love watching you do magic.” 

“If we are on the topic of necessities, I wasn’t being completely honest, I have to tell you now. I would need at least three cats. Frumpkin will always be my number one but, two others,” Caleb said very gravely. 

“I do like Frumpkin,” Essek said fretfully, pacing...though he was gliding, because he didn’t know what else to do with his body, “I’m just a little concerned about them getting somewhere they shouldn’t. Maybe just in the residence tower?” 

“That is a solid proposal.” 

“I’m an absolutely horrendous cook too,” Essek admitted breathlessly. “I usually have a servant or two but...if it’s more than just me I may need to invest in a cook. Would you require them to cook Empire food or would--” 

“I’m not picky at all, really if you didn’t it would be fine. Essek--”

“No, no you don’t understand I can’t be responsible for you dying. Even if you will die...one day, oh you know what I’m trying to say don’t you?” Essek demanded. 

“I do. Essek...since we are on the topic tangentially...how do you feel about kissing?” Caleb asked, drawing close. 

“Kissing?” Essek repeated, feeling as if someone had lobbed a feeblemind in his direction. Essek moved back and Caleb didn’t push into his space, instead he let Essek go. “How do you know the word tangentially but not the word maggot?” 

“I don’t think you are focusing on the right part of the question, though, I can’t answer that question besides just admitting my mind works in strange ways?” 

Essek paused and reoriented himself so that he was looking at Caleb more directly. 

“Do you mean kissing in general or just you?” 

“I...well both I suppose, though I hope you would mostly be kissing me, though, I have no qualms if you also would kiss others as long as we perhaps discussed it first. That’s not...I am not a jealous man.” 

“You were jealous earlier!” 

“I was angry, because he was treating you in a way that was making you clearly uncomfortable--” 

“And you were jealous.”

“Ach...perhaps a little...he was very handsome, and you...also…” Caleb trailed off, ears reddened. 

“To answer your question, I feel...fine about kissing. I would want two kisses a week.” 

“Two?” Caleb asked, sounding utterly aghast. “Only two?” 

“You said I would be enough, it’s time to live up to your word,” Essek pointed out. 

“Could I bargain for five a week if we have one less cat?” 

“You are lying, and I know that because you would never trade a cat for anything.” 

“You know me well.” 

“I think...I...I would feel differently about kissing, if I am kissing you,” Essek said softly. “All of the other kisses I’ve had before...they were from people who didn’t love me. It was the same with sex. It was a lot of sticky and messy and panting and then quiet and I just didn’t…”

“Essek, I was being serious when I said--”

“I didn’t love them, Caleb,” Essek told him firmly. “And I...I said two because I don’t want you to think I'm greedy. I’ve wanted to kiss you almost every time I’ve seen you, nothing you do will change that.” 

“If I may admit it, that makes me feel relieved,” Caleb laughed. “Since I’ve felt the same way for a long while now.” 

“Oh,” Essek said, without having anything better to say to fill the air. 

“Are you still hoping to convince me to stop loving you, because I don’t think you are being successful.” 

“This was all hypothetical,” Essek said simply. “Loving me is still a foolishness you should not allow yourself to dabble in.” 

“That’s not the way love works, you and I both know it.” 

“All we’ll do is talk in circles...I’ll just keep orbiting around you,” Essek bemoaned. “Don’t you see? This is what you get for loving me. I won’t be able to change that, nor how I feel about this. Maybe you are right, I'll admit it. I am a vain man, not an idiot. I am in love with you and want a life with you, but I can’t have those things with you.”

“What stops us?” Caleb asked. “You are one of the most powerful people in the Dynasty, and I am not too bad in a scrap myself.” 

"But they--"

“Fuck them!”

“You know there is more to it then that,” Essek said with a sidelong look. "Don't act a fool, I know you are not one. It is what makes you attractive to me to begin with." 

“I know there is but I don’t care. If this is what we both want, then...then we should just do it,” Caleb told him. “A life together is what I am offering, Essek. In whatever form you would prefer, for the rest of my days.” 

"That is a paltry sum to be negotiating for," Essek noted. "You should have asked for all the secrets of dunamancy, or something--" 

"I don't think so. You are the greatest treasure I believe I could ever hope for. Even with your irrational practicality included. Though, I can't help but hope I also learn some more secrets. You are a wonderful teacher." 

"But what of your friends?" 

"What about them? They all adore you." 

"You will want to be with them, and a life adventuring and a life with me are in direct conflict. I am not the adventuring type." 

"I don't see how, I won't adventure forever. I'm 33 and my knees are already in rough shape." 

"Now you are messing with me. And on top of that...your goals," Essek said. "I know for a fact you have important goals. Things that you have kept a secret from me.” 

“I will not lie to you, and say I do not have other goals besides peace and...bringing down the Cerberus Assembly. What I have done in my life...perhaps I would never be able to right those wrongs if I had a thousand lifetimes. But maybe…” 

“I could be sustained for a thousand lifetimes on the small kindnesses you have already shown me,” Essek admitted, “but I’m not sure I can weather the heartache.” 

“My life has been a thousand heartaches, but just recently I’ve come to see that to cherish is to overcome that.” 

“And you would cherish me?”

“I already do,” Caleb said with a frown. “Was that not obvious?” 

“I…” Essek searched for the words but failed. 

“I will love you and cherish you for the rest of my life,” Caleb promised him, taking his hand, lifting it, and kissing it. Essek stopped floating, and let his feet touch the ground. “I won’t ask you to do the same, but even if it’s just for the sliver of time in which we share a life...would you love and cherish me?” 

“I already do,” Essek admitted. “And I want to promise myself to you...more than anything.” 

“Then why won’t you?” 

“I won’t be able to stop loving you,” Essek said, trying to keep his voice from cracking under the weight of all of this--of this moment in time that he never wanted to abandon. “I wasn’t able to stop myself from falling in love with you, how can I stop myself from loving you?” 

“Kiss me,” Caleb asked, cupping Essek’s face in his hands. “Essek...kiss me.” 

Essek pressed up on his toes, and kissed Caleb. 

The kiss itself was short and soft, their mouths closed and Essek’s fingers clenched on Caleb’s shoulders. But kissing Caleb was like clinging to a flame. There was a flash of heat so intense that Essek was afraid he would burn with it, and yet, the moment he pulled away his mouth felt strangely cold. Caleb’s eyes met his, and he released a shaky breath. His face was flushed, his eyes dilated and glistening in the lowlight. Caleb’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, as if tasting the flavor of their kiss on his lips. 

“Caleb,” Essek said, his voice breathless and strange to his own ears. He could barely hear it over the frantic butterfly beating of his own heart. “Again...please--”

Essek couldn’t even finish the request, Caleb was already ducking down once more to claim his mouth. He melted into Caleb’s arms even further. Another kiss turned to two, three, then four, and then somewhere along the line Essek lost track. Caleb gasped as his tongue brushed Essek’s sensitive incisor, and Essek shivered at the taste of Caleb’s mouth and the feeling of his hair twisted in his fingers. 

Finally, they had to part to breathe. Essek's mouth tingled and he could almost taste Caleb upon his lips still. Caleb's lips parted with his own breath as he reached his arms out hesitantly. Giving in to what he had wanted for so long, Essek curled his arms around Caleb's back in an embrace. 

"I would love you for a thousand lifetimes," Caleb whispered, just for his ears, tucking him against his chin. 

"Oh Caleb," Essek sighed, burying his face in Caleb's neck. "I know."

* * *

Essek fell back into the bed with a huff of air that escaped his lungs. Unhurriedly, Caleb pulled Essek’s boots off, and helped to slide off Essek’s trousers with the same reverence as someone opening a treasured spellbook. Caleb hummed, taking one of Essek’s legs into his hands. He couldn’t help the way he shivered at the sensation of calloused fingers squeezing and rubbing at the muscle there. 

“You are so beautiful,” Caleb moaned, kissing his shin...the inside of Essek’s thigh in languid unhurried kisses. His fingers traced the divot of his hips...as he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to Essek’s belly. “Every part of you.” 

"You’re teasing,” Essek said, leveling his best annoyed look but it felt disingenuous even to him. He felt so warm, loose-limbed and love-sick. Essek’s whole body arched as Caleb tugged at his nipple. “Ngh!” 

“Never,” Caleb told him, though his eyes sparkled with mirth. “I just wish to remember every part of you.” 

Essek nearly growled, and yanked Caleb up to kiss him. They stayed that way for a long while, kissing and pressed skin to skin except for the last thinnest of barriers. Essek ran his foot against Caleb’s leg and was rewarded with a shiver and an obscene gasp that Essek wanted to repeat in his mind a million times over. Caleb’s hips canted forward, Essek dug his fingers into Caleb’s hips, and he could feel Caleb hot and hard against him. Suddenly, Essek could understand why someone would want to do this. 

“Caleb,” Essek gasped, tearing his mouth from Caleb’s lips. The pleasure was almost too much suddenly. 

"I want to feel you inside of me," Caleb said, pulling away. His eyes were a study in black-and-blue, his mouth was red, his skin was an utterly pleasing shade of cream and pink. Essek could follow the bursts of color...of freckles and silver scars across his skin and red hair across his body...and he was so beautiful for it all. 

Essek’s mind reeled at the request. He had to admit to himself that he had probably read too many cheap romance novels, and what he knew about romance between humans was most likely extremely biased based on old anti-Empire sentiments. Rough, uncouth human men were always portrayed in a certain way. He had always been passive in his previous couplings… and Essek hadn’t minded the idea of being...well...dominated by Caleb to a certain extent. But this idea had Essek’s brain completely misfiring. 

But practicality did have to come first. 

“I’d come too quickly,” Essek admitted. “And I haven’t done this in a long while...we may need to work up to something like that. I may get...overwhelmed.” 

“Ah...you probably have a point,” Caleb said, not looking offended or off-put. And Essek nearly fell in love with him all over again. 

“Perhaps another time,” Essek offered, sitting up to curl his fingers in Caleb’s hair and pull him into another kiss. Just the action gave him an idea. “But considering how much you seem to like my legs, I think I have an idea.” 

“I do love your ideas,” Caleb said, pressing a tender kiss to Essek’s temple that left him almost as breathless as rutting against Caleb had made him. He slid off his underclothes. Essek grasped the vial of oil from the side table, and upended it, pouring an obscene amount on his thighs. He could feel Caleb watching, gaze heated and mouth parted in longing, and he made a show of spreading his legs for Caleb once he felt that he was sufficiently prepared. He gave himself a cursory pump or two. His own arousal had been slowly simmering in the back of his mind, and he had forgotten how hard he was. 

“Come here to me,” Essek beckoned, curling his finger towards Caleb. Caleb wasted no time, kneeling between Essek’s leg, grasping Essek by his thighs and closing his legs around his cock as he hooked them over one of Caleb’s shoulders. 

“Oh, _oh_ ,” Caleb moaned unabashedly, he pressed down hard and thrusting into Essek’s thighs with little abandon. Watching Caleb’s expression dissolve into teeth-gritting, desperate pleasure had Essek taking his own cock into his hand. The mental thrill of this, of watching the man who loved him so desperately receiving so much pleasure from his body as he brushed over all of the sensitive parts of him, was just so good. It was addictive, if he was being completely honest. 

“Caleb,” Essek moaned, twisting his hand in rhythm. “You’re making me filthy.” 

“Wanna make you feel good,” Caleb nearly slurred, tip leaking and Essek could feel Caleb getting him wetter, and the glide of it getting smoother. “You feel so good, Essek.” 

“Yes,” Essek gasped, shivering at the sound of his name being said like that. Like Caleb was desperate, like he was in love with him, like Caleb would tear the sky apart for him, like Caleb’s love could encompass him and destroy everything that he had worked for to build up his walls and he wouldn’t care. As long as Essek could have this, could have Caleb loving him and begging for him, he would do nearly anything. 

“Essek, Essek!” Caleb gasped, slamming into Essek’s legs, rubbing against him in a way that had Essek throwing his head back. His efforts became more frantic around himself, curving his fist to get the right friction. With the way Caleb’s hips were twitching it wouldn’t be long, and he wanted to come with Caleb so badly it was tearing at his belly like some kind of feral beast but he knew he wasn’t close enough. It didn’t matter. His own pleasure seemed secondary to this. 

“I love the way you touch me,” Essek admitted, his voice caught and breathless and pouring out of him unrequested. “Oh _please_ come. I want you to come so much, I want to see you. I’ve dreamed of this, wanted this for so long.” 

“ _Essek_ ,” Caleb groaned before spilling himself on Essek’s legs...on his cock and belly. The heat was striking and sudden. Essek managed to pull his legs off of Caleb’s shoulders, settling them bent on either side of Caleb. Breathless and dazed, Caleb looked at Essek with an expression so hungry that it left Essek bereft of a response. To Essek's surprise, his fingers traced the mess on Essek’s legs and belly. He paused and met Essek’s gaze. “You didn’t come.” 

“No,” Essek confirmed, though, he was slightly confused at the direction of the conversation. “I can take care of it.” 

“I want to make you feel good now,” Caleb said, leaning down, kissing his knee as he did so. “Won’t you let me?” 

“I…” Essek blinked, surprised. “Yes, if you don’t mind?” 

“Could I use my mouth?” Caleb asked, and Essek immediately felt himself blush so hard his ears ached. Caleb’s mouth twisted into a smile, and Essek was rendered so speechless that all he could do was nod. Caleb wasted no time, sinking down and enveloping Essek in a hot wet heat that had him twitching with pleasure. Caleb moved like he was starving for the taste of Essek’s cock and was eternally grateful to have it. He lapped at Essek’s cock as he caught his breath. “You seemed so surprised that I should want this, Essek...mmm, tell me, after everything you do, how could anyone not give you any pleasure you wished for?” 

“Caleb, oh by the Luxon,” Essek cried as Caleb flicked his tongue over his cock, before taking him again. He was so close to the edge that he was trembling with it, it was building so fast that Essek almost couldn’t believe it. There were kisses and little scrapes as Caleb clearly experimented with what would bring Essek the most pleasure, leaving Essek totally helpless against it all. 

“Anything you want,” Caleb promised. “Let me care for you, as you care for me.” 

“Caleb, my light, please--!” 

Caleb took him in deep one final time, and Essek came apart at the seams. Caleb sucked him through the most bone-shattering orgasm that Essek had ever achieved in his whole life, lazily releasing Essek with a pop when it was over. Essek was left drenched in sweat, completely limp and barely able to summon enough strength to pull Caleb into a long, amorous kiss. Though the taste of himself wasn’t the most pleasant, and his skin was still drenched in a mess of oil and fluid, it was perhaps one of the most fulfilling kisses of his whole life. 

Caleb rolled over to settle next to him, hair a mused mess, lips swollen, eyes dreamy, looking well and truly fucked out. They stayed like that for a while, Essek letting his heart rate settle down to an acceptable pace, and Caleb catching his breath. Finally, some thoughts managed to settle back into Essek’s brain through the fog of their coupling and his love-drunkenness as he gazed at the series of bruises along Caleb’s neck, fang marks and hickeys that bloomed his skin into lovely colors that had to be relatively painful. 

“I’m sorry for that,” Essek said, tracing the marks so delicately that he could barely feel Caleb’s skin...only the emenanting heat. 

“Oh,” Caleb said, palming his neck and wincing slightly. “It’s alright, my clothing and scarf should cover it...and I could ask Caduceus to heal it later.”

“Not asking Jester is most likely a good idea,” Essek noted, managing to sit up. Caleb curled an arm around him, and he was thankful for the warmth. He cast a critical eye to his clothing, all crumpled up in a pile by his bedroom door and sighed. He would need to steam those at some point. 

“Do you have a bath?” Caleb asked, kissing Essek’s ear. Naturally it twitched at the sensation of the stubble and the touch, and Essek could feel Caleb smile against it. “We should take one.” 

“That sounds like a good idea to me,” Essek said, kissing Caleb once more...because he could. Caleb smiled against his lips, and made it all worth it.

* * *

“What the fuck did you do to Caleb?” Beau asked him roughly. Essek looked over the rim of his teacup at her. He was sitting at the edge of the hot tub, as Beau soaked her defined shoulders flexing with her question as she asked it. Essek had dipped his feet in, glad enough for the heat, and feeling totally at ease. It was a strange thing, but welcome. 

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Essek said, taking a sip. He sighed with pleasure as he did so. “Caduceus, this blend really is lovely. Did you grow everything here?” 

“Aw, thanks so much,” Caduceus said with his usual kindly meandering demeanor as he sat down on the opposite side of the hot tub. He sipped at his own cup before reaching to give Fjord his own. “Some of it is from home, the rest is from here. Here you go Fjord.”

“Thanks Cad,” Fjord said, accepting the cup. He looked at it a bit skeptical before taking a sip. 

“Stop getting off topic, he’s been all...weird since the night at the ball when you guys totally bailed,” Beau said, jabbing a finger in Essek’s direction. 

“That was probably for the best though, your sister and your mom were pretty pissed,” Fjord pointed out. “Like, I’ve never had such an awkward conversation before in my whole life.” 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Essek noted, raising an eyebrow to Beau. “You won’t like the answer anyways, so it’s better not to know.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Beau demanded.

“It means that Essek and Caleb totally kissed,” Jester said in a sing-songy voice as she skipped in, with Nott and Yasha at her heels. All of them were in robes. 

“Whatever you would like to think,” Caleb said, entering and settling next to Essek purposefully. Essek leaned against Caleb oh so slightly, curling the hand that was behind him in Caleb’s. His fingers interlocked with his easily, as if they had always been meant to be there. It was just like the tree or the dancing jars of sunlight in the Rosohna night...it shouldn’t have gone together and yet it did perfectly. 

“They definitely fucked,” Yasha noted softly as she shed her robe and got into the hot tub with little decorum, and Essek inhaled his drink so quickly that it scalded him on the way down. 

“Oh sheisse, Essek, are you alright?” Caleb asked, as Essek attempted to gain control of his voice. 

“OH MY JESUS YOU DID?!” Nott shrieked, seemingly prepared to run across the water to do something. Jester stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. 

“Who the fuck is Jesus?” Jester demanded.

“I dunno, I think I heard that name somewhere,” Nott noted.

“He isn’t as cool as the Traveler!” Jester said forlornly. “You should be saying, oh my Traveler!” 

“Jessie, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing,” Fjord said sheepishly. Yasha and Cad shared a look. Beau buried her head in her hands, and looked ready to drown herself. 

“You were right, I didn’t want to know,” she said mournfully. 

“Well, it was pretty good,” Caleb said with a confident snarky grin, totally meant to upset Beau who lobbed a splash of water at them both. Essek was hit, but somehow he couldn’t find it in him to mind. 

“Ew! Caleb! Don’t tell me about your sex life!” 

Essek shook his head with a smile, and took another sip of tea.


End file.
